J was over last night.
Normally, when I put the kids to sleep I stay in their room until Nathan is asleep, and Max is very nearly asleep. But when J's there I skip out a bit earlier.
Last night, as I was skipping out, Max said something. I didn't hear what he said & asked him to repeat. First he said "forget it." Then he said - "ok, I'll tell you: Sometimes I think you love J more than you love me."
I went over & sat down on his bed. I told him how very proud I was of him for telling me. How wonderful it was. How it's sometimes difficult to talk about feelings... but it's important for me to know.
Then I told him how I had so much love - enough to love all of them the same.
And I said - you know, there hasn't been a grown up around here for a while & he goes "Yeah, yeah, I know - the divorce..." in his best teenage voice. (He's only 7! When did this happen?!) And I said yes, because of that. So sometimes I like to spend time with other grown-ups -- but it does not mean I don't like spending time with you. And you're getting older - you can really go to sleep on your own.
Then he totally called me on something: "But mom - sometimes when you leave you say you're going to check something, or go to the bathroom -- and I think you're going to come back -- and then I peek out and you're with J."
So, I did what any respectable grown-up should do. I appologized. I said he was right. I should tell him that I"m going to see J. And that I won't do that again.