Monday, June 25, 2007

This is what's going on

It's not a lot, but in my world.... it's actually kinda big. For me.

Saturday J had a graduation party for his daughter. For a host of reasons I could not go. But I felt badly. Honestly.... this little wee part of me felt a little left out. But I understood the reason why.

The kids and I spent the day out on Fire Island - visiting friends of ours who have a house out there. It was a wonderful, fun, relaxing day! But when I came home not an email, not a message, not a text from J. All day. And, I have to admit, I felt even more left out.

Now by this time you know there's the Logical Amy and the.... Neurotic Amy. Like most people. Logical me knew he was busy, that he thought of me, whatever... but the Neurotic one felt very, very sad.

So here's the big part, guys (you were waiting for it - I know!). I told him. Not such a big deal, but somehow it was. I thought - I went through an awful relationship where I kept pretty much everything inside. When I was upset I'd rationalize it, I'd think - it's not so important, or I'll get over it, or just deal with it - why stir things up.... And I thought I am not going to do that this time. I thought - (and this is what I need to start to feel) that I'm important too. I need to stand up for myself.

Told ya this was big. (My shrink's gonna be so proud!)

And you know, I have this thing where I feel like I get upset too easily. That I'm too picky, too sensitive, whatever - so that's another reason why lots of times I don't say anything. But this time I thought - I'm STILL going to say something. If I am being too picky, too sensitive.. let him tell me. Let us talk about it. Work it out. Let me get calibrated.

And I hate feeling this needy. Insecure. And it's the neurotic Amy -- not the Logical one. My shrink says it's normal after being in such a bad relationship -- to want/crave/need more from this one. She said it will even out. So it was good to have that normalized. (Just when I start to think I'm really really neurotic!) And I'm not that bad - not like I'm stalking him or anything! Lurking outside his apartment.... wearing dark glasses around his office.... Nah. More just feelings. That I'll get through.

So, with a fairly sizable preface & explanation -- I told him. We talked about it -and the reasons were exactly what I thought. And it was all good.

1 comment:

g4 said...

Good for you.

The thing is, you were feeling sad and left out. At some level, it doesn't even matter if those feelings were justified or not; you were having them either way. There's no need for you to hide them from him. It's important to not censor yourself and try to project a false image; he seems like a grown-up, he can balance the Logical and Neurotic you for himself. It's not as though you are only allowed to share valid feelings. He needs/deserves to know anything that's important to you.

Good work.