So yeah. I'm a little.... how should I say it...? Irate? Frustrated? F**kin' pissed off? YEAH! That's it!
Those of you who know me back from the other blog know that a lot (a LOT) of it is the chronicle of my frustrations with X. Dealing with him missing his days with the kids, dealing with him not wanting to contribute to things for them, dealing with working out our divorce agreement, going to mediation, writing and re-writing that damn agreement until we both came up with something agreeable...dealing with his jabs, dealing with his crap, just dealing.
But, we worked it out. We hashed out an agreement & now we're divorced. And actually, things have been pretty calm. Pretty normal. But... this is X. I should have known it wouldn't last for long.
I sent him an email to let him know about stuff coming up for September: I'm having the kids two weekends in a row because of the Jewish High Holy Days, Max is signing up for tennis lessons, and his first day of Hebrew School is this Sunday.
X emails back: "I'm sorry but I can't do Hebrew school any more. It encroaches on my special time with the boys. I like going out with them-- doing different things, museums, playing at the park, dogs, etc. I am not going to do it anymore. I have little time with them: I'm not going to kill one of my two days with them because of Hebrew school. "
So I say to him: 1) This is in the agreement. Father will transport to Hebrew School two out of the three times he has them (I gave in that one. I said I'd come in from Manhattan, go to Sunnyside, pick them up, bring to Forest Hills, bring back to Sunnyside... because it's important. Because it's what you do...) 2) If you want to see them, if you want to spend any more time with them - all you have to do is ask. Get off work early & want to take them to dinner? Be my guest. Want to have them an extra weekend every once in a while? Be my guest.
He says: "I will take them two out of every three weeks. Just not on Saturday or Sundays. And I'm glad to support Jewish education; hence, I'm not protesting them taking the two weeks for Yom Kippar or Rosha Shanna. I'm sorry but I refuse to give up my time with the children. It is easy for you since you have them 24 x 7. Not for me. "
Again I repeat that it is in the agreement. We talked about all this before. We hashed it out before. Spent money on a mediator, had it put in the agreement... he can't do this now!
He says: "I disagree. We discussed from a cost perspective.... Also, it is tough for me to see the boys beyond the weekends. I have a job that requires a lot of responsibility that pays your/boys' rent-- and I often stay at work until about 6 pm. So that is nonsense. I can't let you kill the precious time that I have with my sons. It is not good for me, nor them."
I point him to the exact section on our signed agreement.
He says: "I disagree. And I can't believe you would want to deny your children time with their father. In year's to come, the boy's will cherish the greater time they spent with their father... (their attitude to Hebrew school will be like you and your sister's...ho-hum) You are denying me of my fundamental right as a father. I won't stand by idly..."
So, I contact the mediator & she says that he is in violation of the agreement.
So? What do I do? Do I tell this poor, poor man who sometimes has to work 'til 6:00 pm & thus cannot take his kids out for dinner? Or see them an extra weekend? Or? Remember when he was eating down the street from them? And didn't want to see them because he was in "friends mode"? Do I tell him it's ok? It's in the agreement, but it's ok. They'll miss every other week of the Hebrew School that I paid for? On my own - because you won't contribute?
And I said to him - Ok - let's say you won't bring him -- but at least bring him to the first! This Sunday! It's important to go to the first class, so you learn what's going to happen, everybody is introduced... etc, etc.
He said no. So selfish.
I'm just so, fucking, fucking pissed off. I mean, I don't want to get a lawyer. It seems so silly - for just this. But I hate that he gets away with this!! I mean, what is the sense of an agreement then?!?
And I know plenty plenty of families where the parents do not agree about religious education - but then present a united front to the kids. Because that's what you do. And even if you're divorced, in theory - and according to what X says he believes - that is what you do.
So, I have to decide if I'm really going to fight this...and if fighting it means going to court? And does that mean involving the kids? Or swallow my anger and just let it go. Max will miss every other Sunday. I"ll take him Tuesdays and the other Sundays. I'm not going to involve the kids. i won't.
Guess I'll end up sucking it up. But man, sometimes I just want to put a hit out on that guy.
April 1st
7 months ago
Posts
5 comments:
You're right to be frustrated, and the choice of what to do is totally yours. A few things though...
The divorce agreement isn't magic, and signing it didn't magically change X's personality. He is going to push the limits. He's going to whine and wheedle for the rest of his life. Period.
The agreement, though not magic, is legally binding. One big reason you got a legal divorce was to provide you with a legal basis for forcing him to comply with some limited set of actions. If you don't get a lawyer now and force him to comply, then you partially devalue the work and expense you invested before.
You're lucky in that this time it seems pretty clear cut. If I'd have predicted things, I would have guessed he would have first pushed on something much less clear in order to get you to bend the rules and thus establish a precedent that he could hammer on each subsequent time he wanted to change the rules for his benefit.
There is no reason that the children need to be involved if you hire a lawyer and threaten to sue. It's not a divorce where you have to work out what's in the best interest of the children. That's finished. It's a contract dispute.
However, X will bring the children into it in any way he can. He'll use them as a tool to get what he wants.
If you give in on this, X will push the line again.
If you make a stand on this, X will push the line again. It might be easier for you to handle it the next time if you establish a precedent now of forcing compliance, but he'll push again regardless. Again and again and again.
Good luck.
I think he needs to abide by what he agreed to. Period. Wanting to spend more times with the boys is crap (sorry, but seriously, let's look at his history). He is lazy, and he doesn't want to do it, and pulling your chain only sweetens the deal for him.
Also, I am wondering how not enforcing one aspect of your "contract" might affect the rest of it. Like if in a few years he decides to stop contributing financially, can he say "Well, we didn't abide by these other parts of the agreement, so I'm not bound to abide by this part either." I would find out.
Good luck. He's an ass.
I say fight it, I think it's important to set a precedent. If you let him get by on this one he'll just keep taking it further.
Oh, and p.s. Thanks X for waiting until AFTER I do you a big favor and take care of your dogs to tell me that you're blowing off the agreement.
What an @ss. Well, I don't know him, but he's certainly acting like one in this case. My sympathies. You seem to be handling it well.
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