Ok, just finished a nice, good cry. I don't know... been feeling much more overwhelmed lately...
Losing my sitter was big. This sitter did everything. All the details that I forgot. All the little dots on top of the i's? She did it. Left something on the floor? She'd pick it up. Something in the sink? She's wash it. Linen closet looking really messy? She organizes it. So ok, I was a little spoiled... but it's not like I asked her to do this? Or hired her to do it? She just did. And I gratefully accepted.
But now. She's gone. And I have to do all these things... things I was never especially good at doing, anyhow. I mean - making the bed?!?! Why? You just get back into it! Why put that toy away - they're just going to take it out again! Honestly, I like a nice clean place with made beds... but to get my busy/lazy/busy self to do it is another thing.
So now I have this new sitter & all of a sudden.... Oh. I have to have dinners for the kids, don't I? I never did it before, since the sitter just morphed with me from babyfood, to finger food, to whatever they happen to eat... And I'm not a cook. I like to. Sometimes. But for little people who don't really eat...? Max will, finally, eat mostly anything. Nathan... welll Nathan lives on air. His diet consists of yogurt, cottage cheese, peanut butter, cream cheese and if I'm lucky sometimes some pizza or chicken nuggets/french fries.
So in showing the new sitter what they eat, it's basically: here's the freezer. Open it up, pick something out, stick it in the microwave & give it to 'em. Ummmmm..... errrrr..... no. I guess I don't really cook.
So I'm feeling a little less than adequate in the parenting department. And in thinking about that, I realized that that is probably one reason why I like to read parenting blogs. I like to see where other parents fall short. So I don't feel so alone. Don't feel like I have to always be perfect. I don't know so many moms... so it's so great when I read a blog and somebody says: "Gave my kids nuggets again for dinner!" Hooray!
And also - Nathan has to go on synthroid for about a month. His thyroid tested low. (He's small and is being followed by pediatric endocrinologist.) Then, at the end of the month has to go for a four freaking hour blood test. FOUR HOURS! He has to fast before, then I bring him in & he has to sit. With a catheter in his arm. For FOUR HOURS. They have a video machine there...but. So I'm freaked out that I'm giving my son this weird medicine... and how upset he's going to be going through this...
AND, this morning he was crying, crying, crying. Did not want to go into school. "It's so big! It's so long! I want to be with you!" Ugh. I know, I know... he'll be ok. But. Ugh. And then figuring out this do I walk them to school, put them on the bus? Pick them up from school? Have them take the bus?!?
It's the little shit. But it's really starting to feel to me that it's all the little shit that's really the tough stuff.
April 1st
7 months ago
Posts
4 comments:
I think a period of crying is well justified. you've got a lot to cope with all at once especially as X is being his usual helpful self as well.
As far as I can you're raising well balanced happy boys so no you're NOT a crap mom. One thing I learnt very quickly about being on my own is that perfect just isn't going to happen if I intend to stay sane. I go with 'clean enough to be healthy, dirty enough to be happy.
Also of course you're going to be worried about such a big medical procedure, any mother would be.
Sorry you're having to cope with so much at once and sending healig vibes to you.
PS Katie practically lived on bread and peanut butter until she was about 8 and she's about to overtake me in height and has no major health issues.
I don't cook either, the best I can do is spaghetti bolognaise, I make a huge batch of it and we live off that for the next few days! Jboo only eats the pasta and broccoli and Baa only eats the pasta and pasta sauce. They eat jam sandwiches all day because that is the only food they will eat without argument. Clean enough is the motto in this house, so don't be too mean to yourself!
Kids are resilient, it amazes me after what Jboo has been through she still smiles, go with the feeling but remember everytime you turn back to the little guy having the test think of something funny, right now he wants to see you at the best of you, later when he is in bed you can freak as much as you need too.
Big hugs to all of you from NZ
It helps to remember that none of us are perfect parents. We screw up because we're human and the kids? Also human, also going to screw up. So we're imperfect to show them how to live and cope down the road.
And tears: way okay as well.
Hang in there.
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