Am I really one of them?

I'm going to begin this post by saying I'm not sure if I'm going to post it or not. I have lots of stuff swirling around in my mind... and I'm thinking that maybe writing it out will help - in the cathartic way writing things out does help & also to just get it out, look at it, & think about it.

So. Ok. The other night I had another PTSD experience. J was over, something happened that was really pretty minor... I got through it - or so I thought - and fell asleep. Then woke up at about 3:00 am, remembered what happened & then started almost hyperventilating and then just... well... sobbing. It was strange. I mean, when I cry now it's not like this. Not this sobsobsobbing. You know, pass me the tissue box sobbing.

And I'm pretty sure I know what it was from. What happened with J reminded me about something that used to happen with X. Stuff that wasn't very nice. Stuff that I can't even bring myself to write about here - because to write it out would really be the final step - to really really talk about what an absolute bastard he was. Mean stuff. Stuff that just makes you feel really really small.

So while I knew that this is what happened with X & that it would never ever ever happen with J - I got scared. Scared that maybe it would. And I was sad. So, so sad. So sad that I had been in that situation. That these things happened to me. That I did not extricate myself from it. That I allowed it to continue. That I did not even say anything to X - just took it and tried to rationalize it away. (He's stressed, He's depressed, Things will be better once X, Y or Z happens....)

J woke up, comforted me and we talked about it. (You know, I don't think X ever comforted me. I don't think he knew how. He used to say that women used crying as a form of manipulation.) I told J about what I can't bring myself to write here. But it's good that I *can* talk about it with him. Very good.

The feelings were so strong that night -- that I even had a sort of hang over from them the next day. My brain was fuzz. It was overwhelming. The convergence of the past with the present & coming to terms with all of it.

So today I went to my shrink. And she was like.... 'Well, that's pretty normal.... you really went through a lot, etc. etc. etc... emotional abuse, blah, blah, blah." And while I might have tossed that term around when thinking/talking about my relationship with X -- it was just a term to be tossed. I never really thought about it. Emotional Abuse.

Shrink asked if I had ever talked to anybody about the things that happened with X - when it was happening, and I realized that I didn't. I wasn't seeing a therapist then... and honestly -- how many people can you tell that your husband says things like: "Well, I don't want to go to that pizza store tonight - the girl who works there is cute & I'm ashamed to be seen with you -- looking like that...."?

Uh huh. He did. And no, I didn't slug him, or yell at him, or anything. I just kind of went quiet. Telling myself: "It's not true. You know it's not true. It's just his "stuff" that he's working out... and once he works it out it will be better -- you just have to get through this... being married means you deal with the good and the bad" And, when things got worse I'd always think: "Ok, you're married - if somebody is physically ill you wouldn't leave them -- so do you leave if somebody is mentally ill? Aren't *I* the one who is suppposed to stick with him? Who else will, and isn't this what it's all about?"

Butcha know - you can't live in an environment like that & not have it impact you. And that's what is happening now. What I supressed before. What I didn't talk about before. What I kept in before, feeling like that was being strong -handling it. Is now coming out because I really am strong - and able to talk about it. Deal with it. It is making its way out now. I guess feelings are like water... they seek their own level & will just kinda worm their way through...

I asked the shrink if it will ever stop & she said the more I talk about it, the more it will dissipate... and go away.

But also, what I've been thinking about is the whole "Emotional Abuse" label. You don't like to think of yourself as "one of those." Or, ok - maybe I don't. I don't like to think of myself as an "abused woman." I'm tough - I talk back. I'm from a close family; a psychologically helathy family (whatever that means, but relative to others... yes!). I know what's what, I know the proper way for a woman to be treated... I was in social work school, for crying out loud! A social worker!

But... errr... the way I was treated was no way for anybody to be treated. And if you think of how I never would tell anybody what he said - or did (and no - he was never ever physical although he did fly into rages... and there was always the threat of violence... he never did.), and his father abused his mother.... (and that's really something that does pass from father to son).

It's such a strange, strange feeling to... I guess acknowlege this. Can I really label myself an "abused woman?" (And for some reason I keep hearing that Senator @ the Anita Hill Hearings: "Are you a scorned woman, Ms. Hill?") I could be one of those commercials: "YES - it DOES happen here!"

But, you know, on the flip side - my shrink constantly marvels about J. The fact that I am not repeating the pattern - and how I am with somebody who is pretty much the polar opposite of X. It's almost to the point that she just doesn't get it. These things don't happen! There are RULES to be followed!

Good to know, though, that I'm in the right place now.

But it's not like mine!!

So, those of you who have been regular readers (2 of you?) have probably picked up that I've picked up that I was probably never in love with X. I don't know what it was. I thought it was love. And perhaps he loved me in his own warped kinda way... but feeling what I feel now - with J - I sure as shit never felt that with X. Never. Not even once.

So, this is what I've been noticing now, about me. Even though J and I have been going out for more than a year already -- so it's not like this is still shiney sparkely new - I feel like I have to talk about it All The Time. All the time. And talk about him. To everybody.

And ok, I feel like it. I don't do it. I'm not stupid. I don't want to alienate all my friends and relations. Although I suppose this is better than dealing with me venting about X. Constantly.

But I also find myself... when I'm telling people about this... and thinking about their relationships... I'm thinking... "Yes, but you don't love him as much as I love J. You don't REALLY know what I mean. Yours is not the same!"

And Omigod!! When I catch myself thinking those things I give myself a virtual slap! "Sotp it! You're becoming a silly mooning kid! This is what it is and this is what most people have! Stop being such a self-centered git!"

But still. It's kinda cool. And you probably know what I mean.

The Week That Was (Part 2)

You can see a pattern to this, right? I start off first thing in the morning, then the next post is at night? Well, if you don't see it - that's the pattern.

Ok. Next.

So I wrote about the first night over on Xanga (think the link's listed on the sidebar, for all you interested people. Two of you.) now's the one you've all been waiting for! Come on, don't be shy! YOu know!! Meeting J's parents!! The seder at his sister's house!!

So I was pretty, kinda, sorta, a little... errr... nervous. He picked us up at my parents' house, I had a backpack packed with everything my kids could ever want in the span of a four hour dinner, and the giant box of handmade matzah.

And, you know what, guys - this is really going to be a very boring post. It was totally cool. Totally relaxed. Totally normal. My kids could NOT have been better (ok, except for Nathan's constant fake burping & "excuse me's" but people thought it was cute... so it passed. Once they get to know him, they might not really think so - but it's the honeymoon period.)

His parents are very nice, all the people there were very nice - we all felt very comfortable. Nathan got right into it & to my extreme embarassment had no qualms about adressing J's father by his first name.

The honeymoon period.

AND - the topping on the Kosher for Passover Cake - at the end of the night J's mom told me that she "approved!" I passed!!!

Passover Part Two

I wrote about Passover part 1 - over on Xanga --- but here's part two.

The second night of Passover - for the second seder - we will be going to J's sister's house. I will be meeting his parents & his neices. My boys will be meeting his parents & his neices. For the first time. At the seder. A nice, calm relaxing first meeting - dontcha think?

I mean, I'm nervous and I'm not. I suppose I would have preferred meeting his parents first - just the four of us - before this. Before I have to have five eyes to keep on my kids who will be in a strange house, with strange things and people they have not met before.

No pressure, or anything.

And that's not to mention that this will be the first time my kids will be sitting through BOTH parts of the seder.... so imagine, if you will... sitting at a table (albeit with food, singing, etc, etc) for a good three hours or so. My kids. While a service is going on.

No pressure, or anything.

So, we'll be going there the second night... and I'll be meeting his parents, watching my kids, worrying about their behavior, worrying about them eating, worrying about my behavior, worrying about my eating... worrying about the state of the world we live in, worrying if the gerbil is ok, worrying about US debt, worrying about if they spill something on the table, worrying about if I left the coffee pot on....

No pressure, or anything.

I'm joking. Half joking. I'm a little bit worried about all this... I mean, it will be a lot - but then I just have to realize that they're kids, that his family are probably all very nice & oh - have a few glasses of wine.

Happy Anniversary!

Thought this was a fun way to way to chronical my first meeting of J. (Ok, maybe not fun, but different. Informative? New? Unusual? Well, whatever. I just wanted to, ok?!?) The two copied posts are from my Yahoo 360 blog (that was private) and the linked one is the Xanga blog.

FROM THURSDAY, MARCH 9, 9:17 PM
Or crack myself up -- which I actually do on a fairly regular basis....
So I switched the dates. My Saturday night date with mask man has been switched to Friday - and I'm going to be going out with Fun Wednesday Night Date Saturday.
I'm not even sure WHY I am going out with Mask man - except for the fact that I told him I would. I'm totally psyched about the 2nd date with Fun Wednesday NIght Date...
Then I have a lunch date with another guy on Tuesday.
ANd, at this point - all I really want to do is just go out with Fun Wednesday NIght Date again. It was THAT good...

Also THIS from THURSDAY, March 9th

FROM SATURDAY, MARCH 11, 9:01 AM

So you know what - I totally cancelled the date with Mask Man. When I first moved the date his response was: "Well, you know that the skirt that you're wearing on this date just got shorter." Huh?!? I thought he must be joking. Nope.
Then, when I cancelled (well, ok, I'm a wimp - it was more like I postponed...) he was like: "I don't think there's a skirt that's short enough to make up for this." DOuble huh?!?
No more mask man.
TOTALLY psyched for my date tonight, though. TOTALLY.

FROM SUNDAY, MARCH 12th 1:29 AM
Omigod!
Guys!!! Great date! Omigod! Great, great, great!!
I think I really like this guy! Nice, cute, normal, funny, smart... he just has a great "way" about him... (Thank you, Billy Joel...)
I'm feelin' some serious liking coming

So here I am, once again

Yup, here I am. I'm in a writing mood, but the problem is.... I don't really have anything to write about. I wrote about it all over there - so I got nuthin' left. Nothing. Not a thing. And I knew that when I logged into this site. I said to myself: "Self, why are you logging into this site? You have nothing to write. On that site. Tonight." (Cracking up.)

Ahem, right. So. Back to the nothingness that is this blog post.... Hmm.... lets see... something is bound to come up...

Ok, well, how about this - its J & my ONE YEAR anniversary this Thursday. That's right, sports fans, one year! I don't know why, but I'm really, really excited about it. Not that I need a huge celebration or anything... but I don't know.... one year... Wowsa!

J said something to me like "oh yee of little faith"... meaning, I guess, that I was so surprised that we made it to one year... and of course, that got me thinking... Do I not have faith? Have I become so cynical? Why SHOULD it be such a big deal?

When I first started dating - a year after X moved out - it was a very strange learning experience for me: all of a sudden I became this FORTY YEAR OLD WOMAN WITH TWO KIDS WHO LIVES IN QUEENS. Not the 22 year old with no kids who lives in the West Village. I became this type. This inconvenient, old, out of the way type. I remember one guy on jdate telling me: "I'm sorry, I don't date moms."

I did manage to go out on quite a few dates.... (dontcha worry, I did ok!) but somehow they all imploded by the third date. Like a switch would go off in me and I would just no longer like the person.

I went out with EX for about 10 months or so... but I mean how do you really count that? He lives in another country. We saw each other once a month -- less than that, even. Then he (gasp!) broke up with me because he couldn't handle not seeing each other more often.

I dated a bit after that... and then I met J. And I liked him so much right from the very first date. Then the second date.. then I was so worried about the third -- would it happen? Would I suddenly not like him? I didn't want it to happen.... but it mysteriously did every time & I had no idea why!

Poof! Third date - didn't happen! Still liked him.

Heck, I think I could almost say this was love at first sight, really.

So why am I so hung up on this one year thing? I think I'm liking the idea of permanence... and this makes it just seem more so... in my mind, more solid. And, like I've said to J, this seems kinda silly but I like the idea of saying "remember last year..." and now having a point of reference!

I'm really not that difficult to please!

Valentine's Day

I know, I should be saving this for at least next week - if not for the actual Valentine's Day -- but I think that's actually, somehow, somewhere, the point of this post.

Last week (or was it the week before? Well, sometime before now) I realized that Valentine's Day is coming up. So, I was thinking.... what to do. What do I want to do. Having a boyfriend, and one who if he knew/thought this was important to me just might actually do something...

Allow me to backtrack a bit. Never had a good Valentines Day. Never. Well, at least not one that was memorable enough for me to remember. (Ha!) And when I first met X he said to me "We don't celebrate Valentines Day in NZ" so wanting to be oh so culturally sensitive I said "oh, that's OK." That was until I met his best friend, P. - who was also going out seriously with an American. They told us about this amazing Valentines Day they had in Auckland... how they won this dinner from a sweepstakes on the local radio station...they won it by telling how they met (like X & I) and how she moved to NZ.... Wait. Valentines Day Sweepstakes? In New Zealand? I thought...... Ohhhhhh, I get it.

So I tried. Oh how I tried. One year I came home to find a bouquet of roses in the toilet. X's idea of a joke. And each year it was just such an effort... I'd have to plan everything, I'd practically buy the card for him. He just wouldn't do it. And I so, so needed it. I was always looking for something from him. Some sign of compassion, of caring, of love. And when we first (first) met I got that... but still. There was always something... I don't know... there was just always something missing. Maybe it was me - but I always felt like I needed more. More of the sense that I was special to him. And I know I've told this story, how at the end of our relationship how I used to have these fantasies that I would get sick & he'd have to take care of me... I was so starved for.. just something more from him. A sense that I was at least as important to him as he was to him. And you know the story -- when I had walking pneumonia & he wouldn't even pick me up at the subway stop. I tell that story so often because it 1) was really the beginning of the end; 2) it just so typifies him and his behavior and how he thought...

But anyhow, back to this year. So, I'm thinking about how it would be this year. Valentine's Day - and all of a sudden I realize: It is not important. I don't care. I don't need anything. I don't want anything. It was such a .... revelation! I understood what Valentines Day had meant to me before, and how I always craved it - and now that I could really have it -- I don't need it. I get all I need in this relationship every day. I feel it. I know it. I don't need a special day for it - it actually even seems silly. All those years when people would say that to me and I'd kind of sigh and say yes, I know, it's a day made up by the greeting card companies... but still... wouldn't it be nice....

I don't need it. I don't want it. And it's so cool.

A True Test

So, you know, I wrote over here about my relationship with J - and how amazing it all is.. and how lucky I am... but this past weekend I had cause to think about another (wonderful) aspect of it.

I am going through a divorce - he is going through a divorce. I have an annoying X - he has an annoying X. I have kids and all the issues that surround them - he has kids and all the issues that surround them. I work he works. And we both, unfortunately, just have those darn issues that come up just as a matter of.... well... life.

So, what I'm getting at is - this is not really the best juncture in our lives. Not the calmest. Not the most settled. (And not that any time is, but you get what I mean.)

And through that all we are starting a relationship and I'd say a pretty successful one, at that.

And you know, when I was with X -- I would always be waiting for "the good times". I'd say to myself "ok, things aren't so great now, but when this settles down, or that settles down...X will settle down and things will be ok." And they were. We had some good times, but then those times were when all the planets aligned, there was ample money in the bank, and all the birds sang in harmony. There were brief pockets of time when things were ok - but then you have kids, you lose jobs, etc, etc, etc... and then they were not ok.

So here we are, J and I, when things are not so ok in our lives - but we're doing ok. We're probably getting to know each other at the most stressed out points in our lives... and it's ok. We're going through it as partners - a team - dealing with the issues, helping each other deal with the issues, and knowing that this too will pass. And when it passes - things will be ok. Calm. But, we already know that if life steps in -- we can really handle it.

It's just good to know.

Zep

What do you guys know about Zep?

Not so much, I bet. Probably because it's an industrial strength cleaner. Used for big spaces. Probably not, I would think, in little New York City apartments... right? Read what it says here - scary stuff.

Brought to you by the Anti-Zep patrol.

You all Do realize that this post is really just a private joke and I have not totally lost my mind.

So, let's see....

It feels like it's been such a long time since I posted here... and I've actually had lots to post.. just not the will to sit and do it.

Last week was a bit of a milestone for me - I cooked! Yes, I cooked. Made spinach lasagna. I haven't cooked that much in the past.. oh... 6 years because 1) two little kids, 2) back in school, 3) two little kids on my own, 4) just too darn tired, 5) kids never eat what I make, anyhow & too difficult to cook for just one.

But now J has been coming over & it gets too expensive to always get prepared food - and can't always serve him spaghetti & sauce from a jar!

And before I go on, I should explain that I consider "cooking" when you have to actually measure stuff. I make a salsa chicken - but that's just chicken, dumping a can of beans on it, jumping a jar of salsa on it, and bonging it in the oven. I don't really feel like that qualifies as "cooking."

So, since J is nearly a vegetarian, and since I have these lasagna noodles (the ready to cook ones) I figured spinach lasagna. DId a search on line & finally found one that used the no boil noodles & had reasonable ingredients. Neglected to read the whole recipe though.

Decided to make it Tuesday, since he was coming over Wednesday. I start taking out all the stuff & see this on the recipe "Put all ingredients in a cuisinart and chop." Huh? More equipment?!? I only have the mini-chop & so got out the blender.

Max came over and wanted to help... and it was actually really great. Again made me realize (feel guilty) how I need to really focus on them more when I get home. So many nights when I'm home he's running around causing mischief... but here he was, sitting with me, active, involved, calm...

We got out the blender (after digging it out from under about 7 years worth of stuff) and put in ingredients. I pushed the button. "Mom, what's that smell?" Took my hand off the button, sniffed around the kitchen... "I don't know... I don't smell anything." Pushed down the button again. "MOM - what's that smell!?!?" Hmmmm... seems to be coming from the blender.... Well, there's no smoke so lets just finish up.

I figure it was just complaining from lack of use. Right? Say right.

So, I/we finished. It was ok... J said he liked it. It was spinach, fat free ricotta, fat free mozarella.... so darn healthy & I think needed a little "kick." But certainly edible.

Stay tuned for more reports from "My Kitchen".

Yeah. Right.

New Years Weekend

I know, I know, you've all been waiting for the New Year's Post. Sorry it's taken so long. As it is I should be making the kids lunch now... but here I am... blogblogblogging.

X took the kids Thursday night, I stayed up late watching Taxi Driver. Really just to keep tormenting J by saying "You talkin' to ME?!" (Have I ever mentioned that it doesn't take too much to keep me amused?) Friday after work went over to J's. Saturday we went to the Whitney Museum to see the Edward Hopper exhibit, and stayed up latelatelate talking. It was really nice.

Sunday morning I had the experience I wrote about here - which wasn't the best, but certainly gave me lots to think about. Then went bowling at Chelsea Piers w/J's younger daughter. Then met his older daughter and her friend at Whole Foods for dinner.(Yes, it's a super market - but they have a whole prepared food section & a salad bar)

Now, I know some people are expecting me to write about how I feel that Whole Foods is classist (along with the whole health food industry. salads so much more expensive than junk food... Whole Foods only in very well off areas... etc.) or about how pissed off I was that they do not have artificial sweetener to put in their coffee. (Me: You're out of Sweet and Low. Pimply Boy Behind Counter: No, we're not. Me: (realizing) You. Do. Not. Offer. Artificial Sweetener?!?!? PBBC: No. Me: (muttering to self) Health food Nazis... what if I was diabetic....) but I'd like to instead focus on two other things that happened.

The first was, as we were going into WF J's older daughter called - could we eat there instead of bringing the food back up to the apartment? (We had planned to pick stuff up, had bottle of wine, hang out at apt & have New Year's Eve dinner.) J asked me - do I mind. Two thoughts, running concurrently in my mind: Do I mind?!? Do I mind?!? Eating our first New Year's Eve Dinner in a super market?!?! Ack!! and Nah, I don't mind... doesn't matter. It's only dinner. It's only one New Year's Even Dinner in what I hope will be many many...

Now, what you have to understand about me is I am really able to have those two very opposite thoughts in my head at the same time. They live there. They battle it out. But, it's on the surface where the funky stuff happens. I say "No, it's fine." But my face is probably a mask of annoyance. He asks again - is it OK? "Yes, yes - really, it's fine." Unable to make eye contact. And it really IS ok... but my face and my behavior just can't go along with that to make it so.

I felt so silly. It really was SUCH a little deal... but... you know... first New Year's Eve Dinner & all...And then I'm not even going to talk about how they abandoned me in the salad bar section. I wandered around, and around and around.... feet becoming blistered from all the walking, arms becoming stiff from carrying the salad on the tray... but couldn't find them. When I finally reached J on his phone - they had .... gone... OUT of the salad bar section!!! J thought I had gone out in a huff (something to do with artificial sweetener...) but I hadn't.

It was tough, but we got past it.

But something else happened.. that is really much more meaningful, and much more important. I wondered how it would be... to be with somebody you love, who has kids. How would it be with those kids? How would it feel? And I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, because I have feelings for kids I have never met - feelings for parents (moms) I've never met so why should I not feel something, for J's kids?

So, we're sitting there, in the supermarket, eating our over-priced health food and drinking unsweetened coffee & J's older daughter is telling us all the places she will be going tonight. In Manhattan. At Night. With one other (girl) friend. Wearing a very sexy dress. In one or two areas of town that aren't the greatest...

So, I try to give my best NYC advice... areas I know, areas I don't... when should take cabs & not buses, etc... and then I say: "And oh, you can call us every hour on the hour."

Yup. Said it. Just because I'm SO COOL.

And of course you know how she responded: "I'm not six." (UGH!! Of course you're not of course you're not, of course you're not!!!) I kind of laughed: "I"m only kidding!!! (NO! I"M NOT!! CALL!!)

Omigod. Don't know how he does it. I'm getting those rolls of bubble wrap ready for my boys.....