It's (almost) all good.

Well I can't say EVERYTHING is all good, can I?!

So, for the past few months I've been feeling... I don't know... self-conscious about my boys. They're too loud. They're too rambunctious. They don't listen. They're too aggressive. They don't sit still.... etc, etc, etc. I had been talking to my mom about why my parents don't take them so much and she said "well, we sometimes find them a little overwhelming..." and I was talking to J about them and he said "well, at times they're a little overwhelming..." and he also said his older daughter seems to find them a little ... say it with me... "overwhelming."

So ok. I guess at times they are.

But, on their behalf - my parents want my boys to be a certain way. They want to bring them to shows, and ballet performances, to sit on the couch and read with them... and well... the boys will like that for maybe 20 minutes... but then that would be enough.

And J - well, yes, he IS a boy... but he has girls. And all the kids in his family are girls. And his daughter has pretty much only seen my boys in small situations. Meaning, when they're in small spaces.. J's apartment, restaurants... two dynamos in a small space.. well sure: overwhelming.

They're loud. They like to light saber battle. They tease each other. They poke each other. They whine.

It culminated a few weeks ago with Max kicking Nathan in the eye. It was ok.. but we were a bit worried for a while.

So I started to feel self conscious about them. Hyper aware of their behavior. Also, I noticed that if they did something wrong one would say to the other "I'm going to tell Dad!" Dad!! Why not me?!? So I began to think that maybe I'm not strong enough. (Ok, I know I'm not.) I'm a push over. I'm willing to give second and even third chances....

I said to myself: BE STRONGER.

I mentioned this to my shrink. She said "well, maybe they say that because they feel safe with you, and they are so worried about how X will react... how he is with them.. that they don't want him to know." Yeah. Fine. Feeling safe is all very well and good... when you're raising heathens.

But then we got the new sitter. And you know what? They've been calmer. No joke. It was the same thing after we got the first -- the 16 year old. I would come home and there would just be this calm vibe in the house. And it's like that now. Again. Wow. Was that sitter SO unsettling to all of us?

And you know what else? Max said to me the other night "Mom, I'm nervous. I'm really nervous. I didn't bring home my homework for a few days and I'm afraid I'm going to get zeros on my report card. And I've been talking in class." So I said to him that only HE could fix it. That he could bring his books home and do the homework... and HE could stop talking. That I couldn't be the one to do anything... HE could.. but that it could probably be fixed before report cards came out. I wasn't mad, I just told him that if he's so worried.. that there was something he could do to fix the worry.

And he did it. He brought home all his books. He did all the extra homework. Plus he wrote an amazing book report (on the Beatles!!) in one night. Usually I have to push him.. but he motivated himself and did an amazing job.

And I thought...

Ok. It's ok that they feel safe with me. 'Cause you know what? He told me that he was scared. He told me what he had done wrong. What if he had been too afraid of my reaction and hadn't told me? At the risk of being overdramatic... it could have started a downward spiral that ends with reform school! (Do they still have reform schools? And yes, I know, very overdramatic... but you know what I mean.) And it gave me the opportunity to talk to him about it, and it gave him the opportunity to fix it and feel better. (He actually pumped his fist in the air and yelled "touchdown!")

And Nathan just got his first kindergarten report card. He pretty much got all threes (goes from one to four) and his teacher wrote that he's progressing nicely in all areas and (I love this part!) "Keep up the good work that you do with him at home. It shows!" It shows!

Can you see my ear to ear grin?

Siiigghhh... so I'm trying. I'm really trying to tell myself that I'm not a perfect parent. That maybe I'm not the best disciplinarian.. that maybe my kids do get a bit out of control at times... but I'm pretty ok at some things. And maybe that has to just be enough.

Who's Been Sleeping in my bed?

Every morning when I wake up I have to orient myself. Where am I? Am I at my house? J's house? Sometimes: At my parents' house? Then, who is in the bed with me? J? Max? Nathan? (Ok, Yes! They start off in their beds and end up in mine! I have many many mixed feelings about that & I'm trying to stop it & have them go back into their own beds... but well... it's kinda nice... ) Then, where are the kids? My place? X's place? Is J's daughter here? At his place? At her mom's place? Oy. Honestly, it's not easy. And sometimes there's a bit of panic. "Where are the kids? Why are they not here?" What day is it?" Back and forth, here and there, my place, J's place, my place, X's place.... I'm a little dizzy.

And did I mention that I bought a new overnight bag?

Yeah. I feel a little here and there and higgledy piggledy lately. And I'm kinda sorta starting to think that it's time for J and I to live together. (Ok. Truth. I've probably thought this for.. oh... the past 6 months, but this is the first time I've put it to paper.) And does J know this, you might ask? Well... I hinted. I eased my way into it. I oh so delicately asked: "SO! When are we going to move in together?" (You guys are impressed with my finesse, right?)

And we will. I know it. But I also know that I split with X before J split with his wife... and I know that he needs the time to set up his own space with his girls... and adjust. I know it. I totally know it. But don't you just hate how that logic part just keeps nudging away that inside part? The part that gets your mind stirring? That takes you to deep dark places? That makes you think It's Never Going to Happen, all is doomed, doomed, doomed? (And you tell me that stuff NEVER happens to you!)

Ugh. So, like the true schizophrenic that I am, the two Me's do battle. I want us living together. Yesterday. But I know he needs more time. The thing is, it's making me a wee bit edgy. I mean, you try to live with two you's doing battle inside your head! It would probably make you a little edgy, too! It's a challenge for the insecure me not to feel rejected. And it's a pleasure for the mature, logical me to feel so calm, cool and and understanding.

My shrink is all "You have your needs and it's important to not forget those" which I kinda did for ohhh... about seven years. And so I try to express them to J. And he knows. And I know he knows. But Gah! This whole relationship thing! Negotiating two peoples' needs! What's THAT all about?!? Me! Me!

Now I'm off to go sing the Aikin Drum song.

More of the same....

I know, I know - it wouldn't be a week without a posting about X's annoyances.... I do feel a bit repetitive with these posts... but for some reason it's therapeutic for me to get it out. Maybe to have witnesses? Validation? To vent? I don't know. I haven't hyper-analyzed myself enough about that. Give it time. I'll find out.

BUT - X called yesterday. He can't take the kids tonight. He's going on a business trip (Chicago!) and needs to prep. Also, he's anxious about his job (ie thinks he might lose it. Wait. How many jobs has he lost? That's right, I've lost count, too...) so really wants to be ready for it.

J and I have tickets for a show tonight. I haven't seen J in a week. I say to X - can't your fiance pick them up? He says no. That it's "not her responsibility." Huh? Ummm... aren't you marrying her? But no. It's not her responsibility. So then I say... "well, I'm sure if you don't go the 'responsibility' route & just ask her to do you a favor this once..." Nope. "How about asking if she'd do ME a favor?!?" Nope.

So I guess the crux of this is... as usual - he just doesn't get it. He doesn't get what being a parent is. He can (and does) love them... but sometimes it's not convenient.. and you STILL have to deal with them. And he has two people - two grownups - at his place. But it's still his job, his responsibility, his right and his privilege to see them once a week -- and if something gets in the way of that - he will let that take priority. NOT his kids and their need to see him. And NOT his job as a parent.

And you know what else? Pretty much every week he tries to get out of seeing them. Last week - he was really anxious about the job thing... felt that he couldn't handle having them. I told him we had plans (we didn't) and he took them. THe week before.. it was something... but I made him take them. So every week we really don't know from one day to the next if he's going to take them or not. Don't even know why I bother. I should just go back to him just having them every other weekend.... a little less stress in my life. (But of course, the kids like to see him...)

My sister will watch the kids tonight when we go see the show....

Ok, Ok

(Ok, G4! I got it! :)) I spoke to the reference yesterday. I told her. I said that I had only had the sitter for a month. That a big problem was that I was too involved in the sitter's personal life.. it was too much for me. I didn't establish appropriate boundaries from the start.

I said that she made me uncomfortable. That there was nothing concrete, as she had been a perfectly fine sitter... always on time, warm, loving... but that I always felt these red flags. That she made me uncomfortable. (I said that already, right?) I said maybe because I knew so much about her life... that those feelings made me anxious about her day to day job.. but that there was nothing concrete.

When the woman commented how the sitter seemed so talented in so many things... I said yes, but that was something else that made me uncomfortable.... (again!) it just didn't' seem believable....

I told the woman that I pretty much fired her. I told her that the combination of these uncomfortable (!! time for a new word choice?) feelings about her, plus her involving me so much in her personal life... I did not feel comfortable (not quite the same, right?) with her.

And you know what. The woman did not hear. She was enamoured of her. At least it didn't' seem as if she did. Sitter tried to phone me two times last night, but didn't leave a message & was too busy to pick up.

So I gave a totally honest reference. I said I felt she was kind, honest, warn, genuine, helpful and sincere - that she had never done anything "wrong" (except for the Max jacket incident.. but I figured that was one time so I didn't mention it...) but that she was too much for me. That she left me feeling ... well... not quite comfortable. (should I invest in a thesaurus?) And I had to find somebody else. I did not "diagnose" the sitter - saying that I felt she had judgement issues, boundary issues, was immature.. BUT I gave the mother the information to made that diagnosis herself... if she chose.

I'm not so sure she chose. But I did what I had to do.

Waving at girls costs man his arm | Oddly Enough | Reuters.com

Waving at girls costs man his arm Oddly Enough Reuters.com

Bet his mom told him a million times that that would happen.....

Sitter Stuff

So my new sitter is (dare I say it? Dare I jinx it?!?) Amazing. She has it all together. She is kind with the kids and yet doesn't let them walk all over her. She knows what's what. Plus she's smart and sweet. (Ok, I came home and she had eaten the last piece of bread and I had nothing to make the boys lunch with.... but they ate crackers and I got more bread...)

Old sitter (the 16 year old) trained her. She's still in the picture, helping out when needed. That has worked out really well, since she lives in the neighborhood and has the same school schedule as the boys. Plus she likes to be with them and they like to be with her. We've even invited her & her brother & sister to Nathan's birthday party. All's good with that.

The one I just fired... well.... Oy. She IM's me nearly every day. She was going to go to Hawaii for a (babysitting!!) job but was dissuaded because the mother who was going to hire her is a pot smoking, Ecstasy using, Passion Party throwing stripper - who told her within 2 hours of knowing her that she thinks her mother is Satan and that she was raped as a child. And not that there's anything WRONG with each of those things in and of themselves... but thrown together. In Hawaii. Far away. Hmmm.... let's think here for a second...

She kept asking me if she should go.. and I gave her questions to ask them (and herself) until finally she told me that she had decided to go. I told her that she should talk to her FRIENDS about it. (Maybe I'm too old to give this sort of advice? I've lost that "adventure" edge? I'm too careful?) They told her no. She's not going.

But here's the thing that's on my mind. She went for a job interview here in NYC the other day. Two kids: 8 & 13. The mother called last night for a reference & I haven't called her back yet. I'm really starting to think that it's more than just my experience with her.. that maybe she doesn't really have the good judgement to watch kids? But maybe because these kids are older it'll be ok?

One (cold) weekend, in December when I picked the kids up at X's I noticed Max wasn't wearing his winter jacket. Just a sweatshirt. When sitter brought them to meet X on Friday they couldn't find his winter jacket right away, they were running late - so left without it. Left. Without. It. In December. My apartment is not that big...the jacket was there. Somewhere. (Actually, when I came back it was right there on the floor of his room...)

I said to sitter: "Why did you let him go - a WHOLE WEEKEND - without his jacket...? YOU are the 'boss'. YOU are responsible."

That was, honestly, the only instance where I really had a problem with her judgement (related to my kids!). And I'm thinking that with this family.. if the kids are older... it'll be ok... Right?

Shit. I've never given a bad reference.. but I'm just not sure I can whole heartedly recommend her.. now that I know so much more about her judgement...

Thoughts? Am I being too harsh because I know too much of her outside life? Should I just focus on how she was within the confines of just being my sitter? Do I tell about the jacket issue? I feel like I have more of an allegiance to a fellow mother... but again... I've never given a bad reference... her kids are older...

Going round in circles now. Maybe I'll figure it out in the shower.

2007: A Year for DRAMA

Wow. Made me realize how few of these I've seen...

Fall is Just Something that Grownups Invented

Ok. So Maybe I'm Torturing Myself...

I found this whole box labeled: "Cards, faxes, emails" and opened it up. Found this whole part of cards from X. From when we were dating. I wish I could really express what sort of feelings this brings up in me. It's kind of a combination of numbness, remembering, sadness - but not a sadness that we're no longer together.. more of like a nostalgic sadness... like where did that time go?

A smattering of the cards. The first one: kinda telling. "I admire the way in which you have made an effort to eat salads and walk home - over the past few weeks your discipline has been excellent. The results of course have been the attractive body that will be accompanying me to the Bar Mitzvah. You look absolutely stunning in that outfit and I will most proud to be with you. (As always.) Keep it up, sexy."

You know. I feel like 90% of my relationship with him was about how I looked. It's so sick. He was NOT always most proud to be with me. He once told me he didn't want to go into a pizza shop because he didn't want the cute girl there to see him with me. (I must've told this story about 30 million times. I will never ever forget it.)

So ok. So I guess another emotion that these cards are bringing up is the anger. The sadness. The disbelief that he did love me. I know he did. He's just... well... ill, I guess. He would buy me cards & tape them to my front door - before we lived together.

A Valentine's Card: "Well it's not the kind of valentines day you would find in a Hollywood movie. However the card tells the story. I love you very very much. I apologize for sometimes taking you for granted. Maybe the excuse that "I'm going through a difficult time" is starting to wear a little thin. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this evening. Your boyfriend..." Can you imagine? He was sending me this when we were dating. Hello?!? Red flag?!? Taking me for granted and we were probably dating just about a year at that point!

Ok. Last one. I promise. "6 wonderful months that have gone by so quickly. Who knows how many more months there will be. Maybe many?! Or more than many?! Maybe years?! Lots of love..."

Gah! Is this good to do this? Therapeutic? Or is it warped? Masochistic?! I keep trying to find some sort of feeling.. and I don't really know what. I think the love. And it makes me sad that I can't. But I do know that it's definitely time to stop.

What I do on quiet weekends

Wait. I don't really ever have any quiet weekends...

The kids are with X this weekend and J is on a business trip in CA. So I'm by myself. Of course I could find people to do things with... but I have to say, I've been looking forward to this for a while. Solitude. Time in my apartment to get it a bit in shape. To clean. To veg. To watch "How to Look Good Naked." (It was my first time watching it... not really quite sure yet how I feel about it....)

So I went to Staples and bought some stuff to start filing things for 2008. And I started cleaning. And moving. And organizing. And I don't know about you, but for me that means lots of time spent sitting on the floor, surrounded by dust bunnies, going through memories. And I'm not such a big believer in throwing stuff out... so believe you- me - there's lots of stuff to go through.

Found the letter from the guy who was a Director at one of the places I worked. I was about 28, he was ... oh... maybe 50? Or near enough. And we sucked face. And I kept saying "But you're a Director!" He crashed at my place (on the couch - I was in my room, in my bed, thank you very much!) and had to go to the Gap the next morning to pick up a new shirt. Ahhh... memories.

Came across my old cowboy boots. They're ruined by the rain. I've brought them to three different shoe repair places. Some of you might remember when I wrote about them getting ruined in the rain... that was about 2-3 years ago. Yep. Still have 'em. Can't. Throw. Them. Out!

I found piles of old cards. Birthday cards. Cards from when I graduated from Social Work School. Found the last birthday card I got from X. It's SO him: "Happy Birthday. Looking forward to your graduation and 2 incomes and a house and a more certain future. I hope those are among your wishes. Lots of Love..." ""Lots of Love" Really? But wait. Isn't what he wrote all about HIM?

Found another card from him, maybe from the year before. "Happy Birthday to a warm, caring, loving wife who I'll miss enormously when she's gone. With lots of love (underlined)" I remember. I used to try to get some sort of expression of caring from him... or be noticed... and I'd say (jokingly) "Oh, you'll miss me when I'm gone!"

So I'm just kind of sitting here (well, actually I was sitting on the floor, surrounded by the aforementioned dust bunnies...) and just trying to assess how I feel. It seems that there was love in our relationship... but try as I might.. I can't really dig it up. I can't remember it.

And I'm going through credit card bills... I have them from 1998, dontcha know. (Ok, I started shredding those!!) And of course, before I shred them I have to look at them. And of course, each one has a memory. The time we went to Elephant Shop in Parnell, Auckland. When we went to Buy Buy Baby to get the stroller for Max, when we went to Wood World on the way up to Waipu Cove to stay at his Dad's caravan.. and how I joked how everything in NZ is "World". "Wood World, Auto World..." And teased him about the names & lack of imagination: "North Island, South Island, All Blacks, Tall Blacks (basketball!), All Whites...) And how, when his Dad was in the car with us and he threw a paper cup out the window and I made X stop the car & told his Dad to go out - "how could he litter such a beautiful country!?" And how X and I joked how it was ok that I did, that 'cause they kind of expected me to be like that: Jewish New Yorker, and all.... And I should feel happy, right? Remembering this stuff? And knowing that we did joke about stuff. And laugh. And have good times.

But all I remember is him making a hand motion to me that I'm not wearing lipstick. Or to stand with my feet together (low class to stand with your feet apart, you know...), and worrying that I looked too fat....

Siiiggghhh....

Guess I'll go back to my shredding.

Poynter Online - The Sad Decline of Britney Spears and Our Voyeuristic Complicity

Poynter Online - The Sad Decline of Britney Spears and Our Voyeuristic Complicity

Ok, so it made me feel a little bit guilty... He's right.

Where it's at for a Seven Year Old

MY STAR WARS HOUSE - By Max

My imaginary house would have every Star Wars toy, sorted by name, especially Luke Skywalker.

Every closet would be full. I would play with my brother, Nathan, to defeat the Galactic Empire. Four shock troops would always be on duty, to shock the bad guys. Best of all, my own bedroom would have lots of Star Wars decorations, even on the walls.

If you're a boy, you'll love a sleep over!

Mexican boy glues self to bed to avoid school - Yahoo! News

Mexican boy glues self to bed to avoid school - Yahoo! News

Classic.

Everyone's Gotta A Song Inside

The end of the saga?!?!

I sure hope so. Waldo writes in his comment that this blog would make a good reality show... Not sure how I feel about that. It would actually be nice to have a calm, boring, no events, nothing to blog about life. (And Waldo, you're right - I probably should NOT have answered the door clad only in my towel... but I HAD to see who this man was!!)

I hired a new sitter and she starts tomorrow.

A few weeks ago I was visiting a client and my sitter called: "The kids say you are firing me. Is that true?" "Umm... no. It's not true. And I'm at work, could you please only call me for emergencies?" So, as I was leaving the client I laughingly said to the home attendant: "Do you know any good sitters?" Now, what you have to know about this home attendant is that she is the creme de la creme of home attendants. She is amazing. Kind, responsible, thoughtful, takes the job seriously, has a genuine caring and affection for her clients, takes initiative, and THINKS. You may think all these qualities are a given in a home attendant - but unfortunately they are NOT.

So she thought about it for a minute and said: "My niece." She is 26 years old, lives in Brooklyn, and while not in school, is taking classes. I called the niece and we talked a bit on the phone. I told her how important it was that the person I hire be consistent. How I get crazy if I even sense that the person might not be on time to pick up the kids at the bus. And that it's only 4 hours a day. She understood and responded appropriately to all the points. But, what really sold me is she idolizes her aunt. She likes to spend all her free time with her. I feel like if this is the quality of person that she aspires to... then that's a HUGE selling point!

I met her the following week (she actually met me at my clients - with her aunt!) and really liked what I saw. So on New Year's Eve Day, when I had the kids with me at work she came over to meet them. They clicked, too. I offered her the job and she accepted.

Then I realized. I went over to her: "Melissa, you accepted the position and didn't even ask how much I would pay you! So, that means you'll work for free, right?!" She laughed, but said "I just know it's right and that it will work." So that double sold me.

I spoke to the boys about NOT telling the current sitter.. but... do I really need to write the rest? Nathan told her. She freaked. Called me Wednesday night, while I was at J's. I said "Let's talk about it tomorrow, when I see you." But she couldn't do it face to face. She said, please talk to me now - I can't do it in person and I won't be able to sleep tonight I'll be so worried! So, I fired her over instant message. Kinda surreal. I told her we had a family friend who was coming to NYC to study elementary ed & wants to sit for me for free! How could I turn that down?!?

She was supposed to come today - her last day (I was going to give her more time, like another week, but soon realized that she would not be able to handle coming back) but she told me she couldn't come to see the boys. That she would cry. So, the new sitter starts Monday.

Pray for me.

Knock three times...

I had the good fortune, this morning, of answering my front door clad in just a towel. A pink towel, a bath towel, but a towel nonetheless.

As I was drying off I heard a soft, delicate... POUNDING. On my front door. Not the usual occurrence at 7:15 am, so I ran out. I asked who it was and the voice answered that he was my downstairs neighbor... and could I please control my kids and not have them jump all over the place.

!!!!!!!

So you know, of course, I opened the door. I had to. I had to see the face of the accuser. (I also wanted him to see mine, and my kids.. but they ran away.)

He said he lived not underneath MY apartment, but under the apartment next door.. and that my kids walking and jumping, and whatever it is they do has been causing him great distress.

I apologized. I said you know, they're kids. Two boys. But I also asked: "Why did you wait so long to come up? Why did you wait until you were this angry, banging on my door at 7 am? You could have come up any time and told me. How was I to KNOW it was bothering you if you did not TELL me....?"

He muttered something and stormed away.

The boys were hiding in their room. Nathan immediately goes on the offensive: "That guy's crazy! He's always banging on the ceiling!"

!!!!!!!!! He's always banging on the ceiling?!?! I had no idea!! But then I realize that he's not even the neighbor underneath... he's one over... so that means the neighbor underneath is upset, too?!? (Imagining lynching mob appearing at my door tomorrow morning... hopefully just a wee bit later so I'm at least in some sweats...)

Max says that's untrue. That there has not been banging... that Nathan is making it up. But.....

But as I'm coming into work later I'm thinking about it... The floors are mostly carpeted. The boys are out a lot at after school stuff Tuesdays, Thursdays and often on Mondays. They leave at 6 for X's on most Wednesdays and every other Friday - and we're not even there most weekends... Also, they're in bed by 9-9:30 the LATEST. And in the morning... well - maybe from 7-8:30... but most of that time is spent vegging in front of the TV. They don't bounce basketballs, ride pogo sticks, or use jack hammers. Yes, they run around, yes they do light saber battles... BUT, aren't they entitled to live in their apartment? As long as they're NOT running a team of Lipizzaner Stallions through? They're kids. They run. It's not at 2 am. It's not even past 10 pm or earlier than 7 am!

I feel badly that I didn't stick up for them more when the guy came. But it was probably for the best that we didn't get into it at that exact moment.... given the towel situation and all...

Everland | Home

Everland Home

Omigod! How friggin' cool is this?!?!?

Way to go!

This evening Max came over to me. A McDonalds commercial was on TV & Max said: "Dad says that this commercial is for uneducated kids." with a kind of Can You believe it look on his face. (It was one with that song "how low can you go? Can you go down low..." Kinda a rap song? I don't know the name... so I'm obviously highly over educated...)

"What does that mean?" I ask.

He responds "I'm not sure... Dad says it's kids who say 'Yo!' and 'Dude!' but then Dad said it's ok if we say that with our friends, and not with grownups..."

"But if you're not sure what it means.." I say to him because he still has this sort of befuddled look on his face "then you should tell Dad. Ask him to explain."

He says "No, I think I understand... but people should be allowed to dance to whatever music they like... and it doesn't mean they're smart or not. It has nothing to do with how educated they are!"

Omigod! He got it! He absolutely and totally got it! In his own way, he picked up X's euphemism... and came out with his own idea that he was able to voice in a rational way.

It gives me faith. We shall prevail!

On another note... Max seems unusually obsessed with shoplifting... He asked me: "What would happen if a person walked out of a store with something in their pocket, but they didn't know it was in there, and they got caught....?" Then on two separate occasions, at Rite Aid and at K-Mart, as I was paying for my items Max came up to the register, pointed to whichever toy he brought in with him, and said to the cashier "I got this at {wherever} and brought it in with me."

I asked him why he's been thinking about this so much, and he went kinda silent. I'm not ready for this, Dudes. Yo. I am just. Not. Ready.

When a 3 year old is asked about monsters

So ask me

Go on. Ask me. Ask me: "How is it going with your new sitter?" Because I know you're dying to know.

Ahhh, "The New Sitter" I will answer you "is rife with issues. Rife." (Good word: rife. Don't get to use it that often.)

Allow me to discuss. Chronologically. She started end of November... with my other sitter training her before she left. The second day she was to be there by herself... I kinda panicked. I had no reason to... it was just that I hadn't heard from her and somehow just had the feeling that she might not be there to pick up the boys. (And no. PMS had NOTHING to do with it!) I called my old sitter! I texted her! "Please! Can you go by the bus stop! I haven't heard from new sitter! I don't know if she's coming!" Old sitter said she would.. but that she had to tell me... she thought new sitter was a bit weird. Her mom, who met new sitter also felt that she was a bit weird...

I thought about it and wrote it off to cultural differences. New sitter is Brazilian. Emotional. Effusive. And, she called me and was there. At the bus. Had done nothing wrong. Nothing at all. I had really no reason to feel that way.. but for some reason... I did. (Forboding music.)

She instant messages me: "You're my boss, right?" "Umm, yes." "But you are also my friend?" "I guess..." Not really sure how to feel about this... want to make sure the boundaries are there, but she's nice. She's sweet.

Fast forward to a week or so later. She calls me. Crying. She's homesick. I talk to her for a bit. I tell her that it's difficult, but will be easier when she's in school. How it's so amazing that she is here.. talk about all her strengths for getting on the plane and coming here. She calms down.

I contact a woman I knew from the student exchange program where I used to work. (I also used to work with Brazilian students... so I have a bit more knowledge than the average bear, I guess...) She lived in Brazil. Loves Brazil. Speaks Portuguese. I put new sitter in contact with this woman.. to help her adjust to here.

Thinking my job is done I pat myself on the back. "Good job" self. Lots of good helping there.. linkages made... well done.

Then a day or two later... she instant messages me... has to tell me something... it seems she is well.. gay. Or she thinks she's gay. She has been with women. But she does not want to be gay. She doesn't think it's "normal." **Shock!** (Not about the gayness, about the sudden sharing...) I asked: "Why do you want to tell me this?" "Because I work for you and want you to know." Uh huh. No. She wants a therapist. She wants a mother.

She starts in: "How will I tell my parents? My mom is religious. She will flip. will you help me tell her?" I do the whole "it's no big deal, they will be happy that you are happy.. love is love whoever it it is..." Then she says "But it's not normal! I want to be normal! I don't want to be gay!" I stop. I tell her - listen. I can't help you with this. You need to talk to somebody. Maybe somebody who is gay? I give her info on two women I work with. One a social worker, one a social work student. They said they would talk to her. They are gay.

She contacts them. They contact me. "OOH boy! Is she needy!" Uhh... yeah. I know. They give her info on clinics, places for students who are "questioning" tell her that those are the best.

She instant messages me: "When a man and woman have sex there's penetration... but when two women have sex there's none. Is that still sex? Do gay people call it sex?" !!!!!! I tell her it's probably just a matter of semantics (which of course she did not understand) and refer her to the clinics I know my friends referred her to. I tell her she's confused... she needs to talk this out with professionals.... NOT ME. I just keep up that line. I will not talk about it with her. I just keep referring her to the clinics until she says she will go.

So, things have calmed down.. I suppose. Last night she tells me (instant messages me) about a guy she met on Saturday. I ask her some questions... then I find out that she is instant messaging him at the same time - and asking him the questions I've asked her - about him. Can you say Cyrano?!?!

Oy.

Then she instant messages me: "He is asking what type of guys I like.. and if I like Hot guys. What does that mean? Does he just want sex?" I tell her that if he is making her uncomfortable then she should tell him to stop. She does, but he responds that he's just being open. (Dick.) I tell her that it's ok to be open, but only when it's appropriate and it's too soon and it's making her uncomfortable. She pretty much cuts and pastes what I write & he and says ok. He stops. Yep. The power of a woman who has "been through all that" and a young guy. Have to say, I enjoyed it. Couldn't put them in their places when I was that age... but I can sure as shit do it now!

Then. This morning Max says he has dreams about her. That she is going to take him away. I say... oh... do you feel safe with her? He says he doesn't. I say "not that you do not like her, but do you feel safe?" He says no. He says he did with the other sitters... but not with her.

Siiighggghhhh...

SO. Given the countless red flags that have been waving their ruddy faces at me... and this... with Max saying this... I have to listen to my kids and take what they say seriously... I do.

But jeez! Do I have to look for another sitter AGAIN!?!? Do I?!!? And how in the world am I going to fire this one?!? HOW!?!?!

Stay tuned for this blog station for more info on Why Can't My Life Just Coast Along Nicely? Calmly?

ETA: I'm home today. Had a cough for the past... oh... month so finally went to the Dr. Have almost bronchitis (no fever) and almost walking pneumonia (wheezing in left lung). Also have lecture from dr as to why I waited so long to take self to dr....

It was bound to happen one of these days...

Yes.

I've grown up.

Allow me to explain. On Saturday my new sitter IM'ed me. "Amy, I'm going to see this band tonight at Webster Hall. It's called Skazi. They sound like this: (see video below, I hope) would you like to come with us? I actually kinda liked it... so I said: What time?" and she said: 2 am.

The thing that you have to know about me is I love to go out. And I remember those days so fondly, and think.. oh... I'd love to do all that again, I just never get the chance! I was ALWAYS the one to be out late. I'd be the last one to leave a party, a bar, a club... I remember going to the after hours gambling place on the Upper East side... (it was so smarmy. Felt like you needed a shower when you left. Windows covered up, so smokey, so much drugs....) and having no problem getting home at 7 am... But ahhh yes... that was THEN.

And this. This is so very now. And here was my aforementioned chance. Unsnatched up.

All I could think of was how crappy I'd feel the next day. Sunday. (Although technically I guess it would be Monday, since the show would have started early Sunday morning....) How I'd want to sleep during the day, but how you never get any real sleep during the day.... and how the kids would come back from X's on Sunday evening ... and how I'd never get a chance to catch up on my sleep... and come Monday I'd be an exhausted cranky wreck. I just didn't want to deal with it.

J's daughter was going to go with her & J was like "Go! Go with them! Watch her! I can't go, she won't let me, but she wants you to come!" I was like "I'm 43! I can't go to Webster Hall! They won't let me in!!" And well... I was only half way kidding... I mean I really know that age doesn't matter... but...

Basically, the spirit was oh so so very willing... but that darn flesh. Weak.

Siiigghhh.... so this is how it ends. Not with a bang, but with a whimper....

(Btw - show didn't start 'til 3 am; she got home at 8 am - but she got her photo taken with him..... J's daughter couldn't get in, too young, got home at 1 am.)

The one, the only, the Amazing....

SINGING DARTHS!!

Not to complain or anything...

So ok. I get 641 people who visit my blog the other day. And that's great. But do they come back? No. (They don't write, they don't call...)

BUT - you know what the worst thing is?!? Can I tell you?!? I don't know how many of you have statcounter... but you know how they show you a line graph? To visually show how many people view your blog? Well, when my maximum was like, 20 -- and we're talking average like 12 per day... the scale was normal. Twelve looked like a lot when 20 was the max.

And NOW! NOW! The scale is all off!!! My puny paltry 5 readers? Can't even see 'em.

Suddenly I feel so pathetically..... small.

A High Price for Healthy Food - Well - Tara Parker-Pope - Health - New York Times Blog

A High Price for Healthy Food - Well - Tara Parker-Pope - Health - New York Times Blog

It's what I always say... don't know why they didn't just ask me?!?

!!!!!!!!!!!!

521!!!

Holy Blog hits, Batman!

So, I just happen to take a look at statcounter... see how many people, if any, have taken a look at my blog today...

And what you have to understand is... if TWENTY people look it's a big day. Twenty.

So stand back....

310

Yes.

310.

I posted the web site for toxic toys & apparently it comes up in google searches.

I am so cracking up.

310!

Keep on coming back, y'all!

HealthyToys.org — The Consumer Action Guide to Toxic Chemicals in Toys

HealthyToys.org — The Consumer Action Guide to Toxic Chemicals in Toys

Enter toy. Check for lead.

On to lighter topics...

Love.



That's a nice light one, dontcha think?



So I've been going out w/J for about a year and a half... actually well heck - nearly two years! The whole thing has actually been a wonder to me. A wonder. It's been a year and a half (nearly two years!) of real learning.



I learned, first of all, that I was never in love with X. It's a strange thing to come to terms with, seeing as how I did marry the man and have two children with him... I mean, I thought I was in love with him. I remember thinking: "I want to be with him. I cannot live without him." But it was not love. Perhaps it was possession? Perhaps it was fear of being alone? Perhaps it was years of learning how to date, to flirt, to trying to find a guy in the tough NYC market... finding one and thinking: "Ok, he's cute, he's smart, we click and he's not like the others..." Most likely, like most things, it's a combination of all of that with a few other random neurosis, insecurities, fantasies, etc, etc thrown in for good measure.



But now. First there was the overwhelming feeling. The happiness. The "This Man Is Perfect." The "Nobody Has Ever Felt This Way Before." The "Ok, Maybe You've Been in Love Before, But it's Never Been as Perfect as This." (Jeez, aren't I insufferably smug?)



And now it's changing some more. And I notice it because I know that I was not in love the first time, so I am aware of all the feelings this time. I am hyper aware. Like this is a study I am a part of. (I'm such a romantic!) I notice that when we do things for each other... how the feeling changes. Deepens. Trust gets built. Connections tighten. We argue. We talk. We resolve. We get past it, and another connection gets built. It's alive. It's organic. It's a flowing, changing thing.... this love.



I never knew.



I remember when Nathan was born, and I held him, I had a set of emotions already there. The package. Love. I could feel it. I had gained it through Max, and there it was... ready for Nathan. It was a strange, palpable feeling. Here he is. Here is this Love. I learned a type of love, the maternal love, through Max... even though I loved him right from the start... it was a seed. It grew.

Siiiggghhh..... I don't know. I don't know what the point of all this is... (this post. Nothing deeper than that, folks - just referring to the post!) as often happens with this blog most of this is really just random brain spew. Stuff circulating around in there... looking for some sort of release. But it's good. I'm lucky. I'm happy. It's good.

And oh - for those who are following along... I kept the orange wrap. It's sooooo luxurious... I have officially become a cashmere snob. That's it. Only cashmere for me.

Of Utmost Importance

Ok Bloggy people. Here's the thing. I bought three of these cashmere wraps on sale at Banana Republic. It was originally $99.. and with the sale and coupons I got it for about $50. So I bought three. One for my mom for Hanukkah, one for me (so why not?) and one for my sister for her birthday in March (already got her her Hanukkah present...).

OK. So. I got two in cream/white and one in this...orangish color called "ruddy." It's not a bright orange, but not quite a rust. It's nice.

But here's the thing. I cannot decide which one I want to keep for myself! I. Cannot. Decide.

I think... "Oooh, nice to have a different color, most of the things you own are black, greenish khacki (no idea how to spell that and spell check is of no help!) or grey..." and I also think "this is expensive. I should get something I'd get the most use out of. I should keep the white so I will be assured it goes with everything."

I know. I'm crazy. I'm home today (getting sick & have so much to do with stupid Hanukkah so early this year... wrapping presents... doing paper work, cleaning....) so I have a bit more free time to ponder these weighty, weighty topics.

I was thinking... I could give the white one to my mom... see how it looks on her & then decide which one I want to give my sister... but here's where I just make things more difficult for myself: I. Want. It. Now. Donotwanttowait. WanttowearitrightnowwhenIgopicktheboysupatthebus.

I know. I frustrate myself too.

Thoughts?

eta - just checked BR website - it's already sold out!

Because seeing is believing

The email exchange yesterday between X and I:

ME:
I just tried to phone you. I think we should talk about Hebrew School.

When we were in mediation, and even while we were married you said you supported the children having a Jewish Education. Going to Hebrew school. Being Jewish. Having Bar-Mitzvahs. I understand that you did not expect it to mean Sunday mornings... but that is typically when Hebrew School classes are held.

Also, children typically begin their religious education at kindergarten/first grade.

Max said to me the other night: "When Nathan goes to Hebrew School Dad won't bring him. He'll skip it like he does with me."

I understand if something important comes up and you want to take the boys to that instead of Hebrew School. Those things happen. But not every week. This is now becoming something where Max knows. He sees that you don't support it. That you don't value it. This is not how we agreed to parent. We have to parent together even though we don't live together. This is important.

X:

I do support the boys Jewish identity and education. I never stand in the way around the time of Jewish holidays or significant events like Passover and I don't question their religious (or some may say ethnic) history.

It's just getting up at 7:00 am on Sunday morning to leave by 8:00 is not easy. Especially when it is cold. The commute is about 45 minutes each way-- and requires four trips in all (drop him off/back, pick him up/ back(. Nathan has to accompany me each time and it sucks for him

As for Max, I don't see him from 9:00 to 12:30. And by the time we get back to Sunnyside it can be 1:30.Three and half hours later he's going back to your place.

You can't think this is reasonable. And you can't expect Nathan and I to hang out in Forest Hills while its cold between 9:00 to 12:30. That's not fair to either of us.

I would just tell the boys...dad lives too far away and can't take you (which is true). Otherwise the boys will just think that I can't be bothered going and Hebrew school is not important (which is not true). Also, keep in mind. [girlfriend] and I are thinking of moving to Long Island City. What then?

ME:
They know you are not that far away. THey travel to and from your place. Your not taking Max *does* send the signal that you do not consider it important, as with a little effort you really could take him. THey are smart kids & pick up signals quickly. If it's so difficult for you to get there at 9, if you get him there by 9:30 it's better than if he does not go at all.

Couldn't Nathan stay with {girlfriend]?

Also next year Nathan will be going too, you know

You do not need to bring him every single time, but please - make the effort every once in a while.. especially around holiday time.

In terms of your moving to Long Island City -- that's your decision. THey have things they will need to do on weekends. They will have things they will WANT to do on weekends... (LIttle League, for one) especially as they get older.

HIM:

You have no idea! Very selfish.

ME:
explain.

HIM:

{girlfriend] is not always able to look after Nathan in the morning. Also, I can't depend on this.

You know that it is 45 minutes each trip...and that is a conservative number on Sundays when public transport is at its worst. 45 minutes x 2 = 90 minutes, 45 minutes x 2 = 90 minutes. 90 minutes + 90 minutes = 180 minutes (3 hours).

You're being selfish.

Furthermore, moving to Long Island City. Well, i also have consider [girlfriend's] wants too. And without [girlfriend], I would really be struggling (even unable ) to pay the extracurrular costs for tennis, baseball, afterschool, etc. That would affect you and the kids!!!

ME:

How about this? Can I pay for one way of a car service every other week? $10?

HIM:

The car service is more than you would think. On Thursday mornings when i take the boys to school, it can cost anywhere between $20 to $28 depending on traffic.-

ME:
I can contribute $10 every other Hebrew School day you take/have him

HIM:

My strong recommendation to you is that you should tell the boys the following: "As much as dad has tried, we've come to the conclusion that the Jewish Center is just too far from Sunnyside. Therefore, you'll be going 3 out of every 4 classes. It will also give you more time with dad." Otherwise, it's going to be on again off again (depending on trains, events, etc.) battle as to their attendence; they will forever wonder what the battle is about and question the legitimacy of Hebrew school. Furthermore, they will remember this issue for the rest of their lives
-=-=-=-=-=

So, that's how it's left. There are many points I could have argued with him about.. but through the years I have realized that it just makes no sense. I expend useless energy. I think I have to toss in the towel with this one.... just have to work on losing the anger/frustration.

Divorce

Sometimes it just hits me.

This is my life. I am divorced. The man I thought I would be with for the rest of my life does not live with me.

It's so.... surreal.

Thanksgiving Recap....

(Please allow me to begin by apologizing for the formatting. I know it's going to suck. I have photos. Every time I upload photos the formatting sucks.)

So, the other day, whilst Iman and I were watching the Thanksgiving day parade.... "Stay here" Mrs. David Bowie said to her daughter, as she positioned her on the window next to where we were all watching the Thanksgiving Day parade...

YES!!!! I watched the parade with Iman!

Ok. Slight exaggeration. I was in the same office/floor as Iman. BUT, she was at the same party as I was! And she did leave her daughter off with us!!

Perhaps I should start at the beginning. We went to watch the Parade from J's ex-brother in law's office. His EBIL is the financial manager for many bands including David Bowie, The Police, The Rolling Stones, Bruce Springsteen.... You get the picture. J actually told me a story of going to the parade one time & this man turning around and saying to him "Hi, I"m David and this is Iman." Can you imagine?!?! Are you just dying?!?!?

Honestly? I was really holding out for Mick. You can't imagine the fantasies/day dreams I was having up 'til that point. I was actually starting to feel a bit pre-pubescent... Mick......

So anyhow, she came into the cube/office where we were watching the parade, positioned her daughter by the window & said to a friend "if she needs me I'm in the next office." and left. !!!! She was almost talking to me! Almost! Right?!? Like I was right there, and I heard it! Siiiggghhh.... She's actually shorter than I would have thought. She's definitely very beautiful - but didn't have as much of a presence as I guess I thought a super model should/would have...

The rest of the weekend... well... went out to the relatives on Thursday after the parade & that was fun. J went with his family and his girls went with their mom. It was strange. This post-divorce life. Next year Ex will get the boys (if he wants them...) for Thanksgiving & I'm already anticipating how difficult it will be for me... J and I decided, though, that from now on at least he and I will be together for the holidays. I never had to split the holidays before... with Ex being from NZ... not being born Jewish... I pretty much got all my family all the time... So I don't think I was ready to give them up this time. But, after leaving him, being all day with out him AND having all my relatives say "Where's your boyfriend?!?" It made me think. We have to have at least that constant in our lives... even if our children are all over.

AND - well - we nearly lost our gerbil. Shadow. Came home Tuesday and poor Shadow was nearly immobile! I thought we'd come back after Thanksgiving to who knows what in the cage... but - came in Saturday morning & there was Shadow! Running around! It was a Thanksgiving Miracle!!! I have no idea, but I do know that my older son has a definite flair for the melodramatic. He sent his Dad emails entitled: "Death" and "Sorrow" and told me that he saw Shadow's soul passing out of his body...

Today, right before bed, Max said: "Ok. I'm taking a stand! No More Hebrew School on Sundays! I don't want to go! It's my time with Dad! And Dad lied to you last week. He said that the trains weren't working & that he couldn't take me, but it was because he promised me that he wouldn't take me - I didn't want to go."

You know, it takes quite a bit for me to become speechless.

So I just said "You know what, Max, I want to be the best Mom to you that I can - I want to do the best job I can possibly do - and that means making sure you get the best education and that I do the right things. I know that your going to Hebrew School is the best thing for you right now - so I have to do my job and make sure you go." He started to talk some more & I just said "You know what, honey, I don't want to talk about this any more. I'm getting upset."

That bastard.

The new sitter seems to be ok... we have to speak a bit slowly, as her English is a bit rusty... but I figure that will get better with time. I just got an email from the my old sitter telling me that she's home sick... She can't go back to Brazil for five years -- until she gets her green card... I had to explain to her, the other day, about us being Jewish. I said "you know, we don't celebrate Christmas..." and that while we believe that Jesus was a good man, etc, etc.. just not that he was G-d. We're still waiting for that. She was a bit stunned. I said we have the same Old Testament... The Jews, Christians and Muslims - all the same - then we split off. Then she said "what about Easter..?" And I was like "Nope. You know.. Jesus..."

But then she asked lots of interesting and good questions & was very comfortable with it. It's funny, in NYC you get used to everybody knowing about Jews and Judaism... but elsewhere I realize that many people thing we just go to a different church - and that's it. Can't really conceive that people do not believe in Jesus...

I actually love talking about religion. I know that it's something you're not supposed to talk about: religion and politics... and I love talking about both. I love talking about things that make us all different - in a way that acknowledges that, but doesn't judge it. We are all different & I think that by NOT talking about it.. but not acknowledging the elephant in the room (at times...) we make things more difficult for ourselves.

Illegal immigrant rescues boy in desert - Yahoo! News

Illegal immigrant rescues boy in desert - Yahoo! News

This just touches me so much.... and imagine - this boys father died two months ago.....

Just some stuff that happened yesterday...

I had the lovely experience of having my work phone pressed to my right ear, listening to music, on hold with Social Security for a client... all the while having my cell phone pressed to my left ear, listening to my older son scream how he did not want to go to Hebrew School today.

Honestly. You have not lived until you have gone through that wonderful stereophonic experience.

Max's woke up crying yesterday. He did not want to go to Hebrew School. And yes I know, it sucks to have to go to 2 1/2 hours of school after school. I know it. And he's too young to realize the benefit of education for education's sake. (Heck, some people never get it...) But. His dad does not bring him every other Sunday. He learns new stuff every class. I cannot let him stay home, he will miss too much, fall too far behind, and then really be upset.

Also, since X does not support it, I have the wonderful experience of having it all fall on these little shoulders.

And yesterday... well... it all just got to be a little too much. He was crying. He was begging. Pleading.

I said I need a reason. Why? "It's weird." Hmmm.... Ok. How do you feel about being Jewish? "Ok." He said. Then I listed all his friends who go to the other, Reform, Hebrew School (and we don't go there simply because I don't have a car & I know I will not walk there on a snowy Sunday morning...), and all the people he knows who go to Hebrew School. I said, you know, it's considered "weird" to be Jewish and NOT go.

I asked how he felt about the work. How he felt about the kids in his class (one boy keeps "shushing" him - which I think is kinda funny, considering how... errr... vocal he is!) and there was really nothing that was too off. He just Does. Not. Want. To. Go.

And oh. Have I mentioned that this only happens the Tuesdays after he's with his Dad?

So, he ended up going. The poor sitter, on her second day, was able to get him there. But I can't deal with this all the time. I'm so angry at X for putting this all on me. And it's not a religious thing. True, X was not born Jewish - but I think it's really just a respect for religion. You don't need to be the same religion to understand the importance of it in some people's lives.

When I worked at the student exchange agency and we had to place religious Muslims with religious Christian families... and the families were freaking out... "they pray 7 times a day!" We would explain - but yes, look at how they feel about religion. The respect it. They understand it. They understand how you feel about it. A religious person of a different religion would be a better fit than a non-religious person of the same.

Ack! So where am I going with this? I don't know. X has no respect for anything or anyone outside himself. And that's it. He has no empathy at all. He is all, ultimately, just for himself. So how do I get through to him how this impacts Max? Me? He won't care. He can't be bothered getting up on Sunday mornings & Max has totally picked that up.

It's in the agreement - "father will transport children to religious education..." but I've decided that this is not to the point of me entering a court battle.

So now I'm tossing around the idea.... giving X money for a taxi one way? $10? I feel like I"m totally selling out... but I need to not have this stress in my life & money is the one thing X does understand...

So. We'll see. I'm thinking.

On a lighter note - the new sitter started Monday. She has been with my old one, who has been training her. My new sitter is from Brazil. My old sitter is from Colombia (her parents. She was born here.) And. They have become friends!!!! My new sitter has no family here, and cannot leave the country for five years in order to get her green card. My new sitter invited her over tonight! She is going to spend Thanksgiving with her family! They are going shopping together on Friday! I made a shidduch! I'm just so happy about this I cannot tell you! Plus it re-affirms to me the decisions I made about the quality of the people I hired to care for my children...

So cool.

Tonight we're going into Manhattan to watch them inflate the balloons for the Macy's Day Parade. It's always a mad house.. We'll see. Then we're staying over J's and tomorrow going to his X brother in law's to watch the parade!! X and his girlfriend were supposed to come with us tonight, but surprise of surprises... he bailed.

And oh. X is engaged.

I survived!!

Errr yeah. I did. But I'll tell ya', there's nothing like going to a Bat-Mitzvah with 30 thirteen year olds to make you feel really old! Oy, the loud music! Oy, what these kids listen to these days! Oy, what they wear!

I'm cool, huh?

And I survived the small talk. I smiled a lot. And his family are all so, so nice and welcoming... it's really special and I'm very lucky.

It was strange though. I have to say. I was keenly aware of being the "girlfriend". I had met most of his family, but had never been in this situation before. A situation as early as six months ago he would have brought his (soon to be) ex wife. (They were trying, are trying, to still do stuff together - for the kids....) I'm not her. (I know, no shit.) But I really felt my Not-Her-ness.

Totally all my issue, really - as like I said they were so welcoming... but. I felt it.

They were all called up from the table where we were sitting for a "family" photo. Ummm... I just didn't know what to do. They got up. I sat there. At the table. J's sister came back to get me. (Apparently she said to him: "Why is Amy there?" And he's great, but... you know..... sorry guys, but he's a guy. He didn't think. So she went to get me.) I nearly cried. The whole thing was just so overwhelming.... in their family? Not in their family? Then when it was obvious that that was how I was considered... the whole overwhelming-ness of that.....

And being with his daughters. In the apartment. I'm with two little boys most of the time... and it was so cool getting dressed with them! With girls! His older daughter telling me that I'm younger than the dress I chose to wear (which is kinda what I thought... it was a little matronly...) - which was so nice to hear!

So, there's ANOTHER Bat-Mitzvah in two weeks (my birthday weekend, btw!) and I don't think I'll be nearly as nervous... I don't think I'll be able to. Apparently there will be over ONE HUNDRED kids.

Can I say that again?

Over one hundred kids.

Pray for me.