Grass Tennis Courts - Notebook - New York Times
Where Max takes lessons..... although he doesn't play on the grass courts.
A Better Way To Think About Giving Tuesday
9 months ago
Friday, July 06, 2007
Monday, July 02, 2007
It's beginning...
So X called tonight to speak with the kids. He spoke with Max then asked to speak to me. He said: "You know, if he ever gets out of line; if you ever have any trouble disciplining him -- call me. I'll come over. I want him to fear me."
I know. I tell you stuff he says & it's like reading a bad novel!
I said "oh no - that's OK. We'll manage."
He then goes on to say stuff like Max is out of control. Think of how he'll be when he's 15, we have to get him into shape now..... etc, etc, etc. Then he says "We won't have any trouble with Nathan. He's the good one."
................
He's the "good one?" WTF?!?!? So I said that's great. It's so great that you're already labeling your children & deciding how they will be when they haven't even reached the age of TEN YET! (And I have to say - Max is totally full of beans, rambunctious, mischevious, loud, brash, active, and totally tests the limits of my patience and then some. But he is in no way, shape or form "bad.")
He's sounding all concerned... that there will be trouble down the pike, that Max just does not listen, that he belches, that he doesn't say his pleases and his thank-yous....
He says - you know, when Max misbehaves here I tell him to stop - that if he continues I will call you. That stops him. It gets him embarrassed and he stops.
"And you feel it's OK for a grown-up to embarrass a seven year old?"
I actually, honestly, did not know what to say. I kept silent for most of the conversation because I just could not believe it was happening. He has no concept. He bought Max Harry Potter - and told him if he reads the whole thing he'll give him 12 Pokemon cards. Max opens it: "There are no pictures!" It's a book for grades 3 - 12. He's going into 2nd. Now this.
When he & I were together it was the same thing. He would tell me: "Women should not walk, they should glide..." Like some sort of warped Victorian idea of how women should be. And how there were these women who could do absolutely everything. Perfectly. And oho - they were out there! But he could never really point one out to me...
And now it's coming over to my kids. Everybody has to be perfect. And not only perfect - but his warped, not realistic version of perfect.
I hung up and just felt so sad. That their father thinks of them like that. What I'm hoping is that my kids have a stronger sense of self than I did (and it seems like Max already does) so that they will just tell him to be quiet and leave them alone.
Sure do hope so.
I know. I tell you stuff he says & it's like reading a bad novel!
I said "oh no - that's OK. We'll manage."
He then goes on to say stuff like Max is out of control. Think of how he'll be when he's 15, we have to get him into shape now..... etc, etc, etc. Then he says "We won't have any trouble with Nathan. He's the good one."
................
He's the "good one?" WTF?!?!? So I said that's great. It's so great that you're already labeling your children & deciding how they will be when they haven't even reached the age of TEN YET! (And I have to say - Max is totally full of beans, rambunctious, mischevious, loud, brash, active, and totally tests the limits of my patience and then some. But he is in no way, shape or form "bad.")
He's sounding all concerned... that there will be trouble down the pike, that Max just does not listen, that he belches, that he doesn't say his pleases and his thank-yous....
He says - you know, when Max misbehaves here I tell him to stop - that if he continues I will call you. That stops him. It gets him embarrassed and he stops.
"And you feel it's OK for a grown-up to embarrass a seven year old?"
I actually, honestly, did not know what to say. I kept silent for most of the conversation because I just could not believe it was happening. He has no concept. He bought Max Harry Potter - and told him if he reads the whole thing he'll give him 12 Pokemon cards. Max opens it: "There are no pictures!" It's a book for grades 3 - 12. He's going into 2nd. Now this.
When he & I were together it was the same thing. He would tell me: "Women should not walk, they should glide..." Like some sort of warped Victorian idea of how women should be. And how there were these women who could do absolutely everything. Perfectly. And oho - they were out there! But he could never really point one out to me...
And now it's coming over to my kids. Everybody has to be perfect. And not only perfect - but his warped, not realistic version of perfect.
I hung up and just felt so sad. That their father thinks of them like that. What I'm hoping is that my kids have a stronger sense of self than I did (and it seems like Max already does) so that they will just tell him to be quiet and leave them alone.
Sure do hope so.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Last night
J was over last night.
Normally, when I put the kids to sleep I stay in their room until Nathan is asleep, and Max is very nearly asleep. But when J's there I skip out a bit earlier.
Last night, as I was skipping out, Max said something. I didn't hear what he said & asked him to repeat. First he said "forget it." Then he said - "ok, I'll tell you: Sometimes I think you love J more than you love me."
............
I went over & sat down on his bed. I told him how very proud I was of him for telling me. How wonderful it was. How it's sometimes difficult to talk about feelings... but it's important for me to know.
Then I told him how I had so much love - enough to love all of them the same.
And I said - you know, there hasn't been a grown up around here for a while & he goes "Yeah, yeah, I know - the divorce..." in his best teenage voice. (He's only 7! When did this happen?!) And I said yes, because of that. So sometimes I like to spend time with other grown-ups -- but it does not mean I don't like spending time with you. And you're getting older - you can really go to sleep on your own.
Then he totally called me on something: "But mom - sometimes when you leave you say you're going to check something, or go to the bathroom -- and I think you're going to come back -- and then I peek out and you're with J."
...............
So, I did what any respectable grown-up should do. I appologized. I said he was right. I should tell him that I"m going to see J. And that I won't do that again.
Kids.
Normally, when I put the kids to sleep I stay in their room until Nathan is asleep, and Max is very nearly asleep. But when J's there I skip out a bit earlier.
Last night, as I was skipping out, Max said something. I didn't hear what he said & asked him to repeat. First he said "forget it." Then he said - "ok, I'll tell you: Sometimes I think you love J more than you love me."
............
I went over & sat down on his bed. I told him how very proud I was of him for telling me. How wonderful it was. How it's sometimes difficult to talk about feelings... but it's important for me to know.
Then I told him how I had so much love - enough to love all of them the same.
And I said - you know, there hasn't been a grown up around here for a while & he goes "Yeah, yeah, I know - the divorce..." in his best teenage voice. (He's only 7! When did this happen?!) And I said yes, because of that. So sometimes I like to spend time with other grown-ups -- but it does not mean I don't like spending time with you. And you're getting older - you can really go to sleep on your own.
Then he totally called me on something: "But mom - sometimes when you leave you say you're going to check something, or go to the bathroom -- and I think you're going to come back -- and then I peek out and you're with J."
...............
So, I did what any respectable grown-up should do. I appologized. I said he was right. I should tell him that I"m going to see J. And that I won't do that again.
Kids.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Work stuff (2)
I posted this over there, too.
Today at work I have spoken to one client's brother and another client's daughter. Both clients need care at home.. almost desperately. And both the brother and the daughter were.... well... less than agreeable.
No. That's too strong. I think they want to help -- but they're caught in their own messes... finances, illnesses, family stuff.... and it's so hard.
You know, you only get homecare through insurance when you're sick. And if you have managed care you might get 2 hours every other day for two weeks. Not really so much for 1) a person who is blind and also has neuropathy in her hands and feet - so can't feel (read braile, dial phone) or walk (needs to use walker - but can't because can't see....) or 2) person with parkinsons who had a fall and has bruised coxyx and fractured pelvis. Is in severe pain now & on vicodan. Is incontinent - needs diaper changed. No. Not so much at all.
And still - what are these family members obliged to do? Do they say - I will help at whatever cost? What about their immediate families? What if they never got along with my clients. What if my client was a mean, abusive parent?
It's horribly frustrating for me - in the position of needing/wanting to help these clients & their choices are so few. The two hours through medical insurance that will stop in about a month. Medicaid. To go on medicaid you have to "spend down" (meaning use up) all your money & live on next to nothing. Or hire an attorney to help you "hide" it. But for the middle classes... that's not an option. Private Hire. Private hire homecare starts at $10/hour. TEN DOLLARS AN HOUR. And that's cheap. It goes up to $17... $20... Who can afford that? Not an option for middle classes, either. I have a client who has a live-in for $200/day. She cooks, cleans, does everything - and sleeps on a cot in his living room - a room with a window without any shades.
I hate this bloody system. I hate how our old and infirm are just tossed out there - and how only the very rich or the very poor are able to access services.
It's like banging my head on the wall.
Today at work I have spoken to one client's brother and another client's daughter. Both clients need care at home.. almost desperately. And both the brother and the daughter were.... well... less than agreeable.
No. That's too strong. I think they want to help -- but they're caught in their own messes... finances, illnesses, family stuff.... and it's so hard.
You know, you only get homecare through insurance when you're sick. And if you have managed care you might get 2 hours every other day for two weeks. Not really so much for 1) a person who is blind and also has neuropathy in her hands and feet - so can't feel (read braile, dial phone) or walk (needs to use walker - but can't because can't see....) or 2) person with parkinsons who had a fall and has bruised coxyx and fractured pelvis. Is in severe pain now & on vicodan. Is incontinent - needs diaper changed. No. Not so much at all.
And still - what are these family members obliged to do? Do they say - I will help at whatever cost? What about their immediate families? What if they never got along with my clients. What if my client was a mean, abusive parent?
It's horribly frustrating for me - in the position of needing/wanting to help these clients & their choices are so few. The two hours through medical insurance that will stop in about a month. Medicaid. To go on medicaid you have to "spend down" (meaning use up) all your money & live on next to nothing. Or hire an attorney to help you "hide" it. But for the middle classes... that's not an option. Private Hire. Private hire homecare starts at $10/hour. TEN DOLLARS AN HOUR. And that's cheap. It goes up to $17... $20... Who can afford that? Not an option for middle classes, either. I have a client who has a live-in for $200/day. She cooks, cleans, does everything - and sleeps on a cot in his living room - a room with a window without any shades.
I hate this bloody system. I hate how our old and infirm are just tossed out there - and how only the very rich or the very poor are able to access services.
It's like banging my head on the wall.
Monday, June 25, 2007
This is what's going on
It's not a lot, but in my world.... it's actually kinda big. For me.
Saturday J had a graduation party for his daughter. For a host of reasons I could not go. But I felt badly. Honestly.... this little wee part of me felt a little left out. But I understood the reason why.
The kids and I spent the day out on Fire Island - visiting friends of ours who have a house out there. It was a wonderful, fun, relaxing day! But when I came home not an email, not a message, not a text from J. All day. And, I have to admit, I felt even more left out.
Now by this time you know there's the Logical Amy and the.... Neurotic Amy. Like most people. Logical me knew he was busy, that he thought of me, whatever... but the Neurotic one felt very, very sad.
So here's the big part, guys (you were waiting for it - I know!). I told him. Not such a big deal, but somehow it was. I thought - I went through an awful relationship where I kept pretty much everything inside. When I was upset I'd rationalize it, I'd think - it's not so important, or I'll get over it, or just deal with it - why stir things up.... And I thought I am not going to do that this time. I thought - (and this is what I need to start to feel) that I'm important too. I need to stand up for myself.
Told ya this was big. (My shrink's gonna be so proud!)
And you know, I have this thing where I feel like I get upset too easily. That I'm too picky, too sensitive, whatever - so that's another reason why lots of times I don't say anything. But this time I thought - I'm STILL going to say something. If I am being too picky, too sensitive.. let him tell me. Let us talk about it. Work it out. Let me get calibrated.
And I hate feeling this needy. Insecure. And it's the neurotic Amy -- not the Logical one. My shrink says it's normal after being in such a bad relationship -- to want/crave/need more from this one. She said it will even out. So it was good to have that normalized. (Just when I start to think I'm really really neurotic!) And I'm not that bad - not like I'm stalking him or anything! Lurking outside his apartment.... wearing dark glasses around his office.... Nah. More just feelings. That I'll get through.
So, with a fairly sizable preface & explanation -- I told him. We talked about it -and the reasons were exactly what I thought. And it was all good.
Saturday J had a graduation party for his daughter. For a host of reasons I could not go. But I felt badly. Honestly.... this little wee part of me felt a little left out. But I understood the reason why.
The kids and I spent the day out on Fire Island - visiting friends of ours who have a house out there. It was a wonderful, fun, relaxing day! But when I came home not an email, not a message, not a text from J. All day. And, I have to admit, I felt even more left out.
Now by this time you know there's the Logical Amy and the.... Neurotic Amy. Like most people. Logical me knew he was busy, that he thought of me, whatever... but the Neurotic one felt very, very sad.
So here's the big part, guys (you were waiting for it - I know!). I told him. Not such a big deal, but somehow it was. I thought - I went through an awful relationship where I kept pretty much everything inside. When I was upset I'd rationalize it, I'd think - it's not so important, or I'll get over it, or just deal with it - why stir things up.... And I thought I am not going to do that this time. I thought - (and this is what I need to start to feel) that I'm important too. I need to stand up for myself.
Told ya this was big. (My shrink's gonna be so proud!)
And you know, I have this thing where I feel like I get upset too easily. That I'm too picky, too sensitive, whatever - so that's another reason why lots of times I don't say anything. But this time I thought - I'm STILL going to say something. If I am being too picky, too sensitive.. let him tell me. Let us talk about it. Work it out. Let me get calibrated.
And I hate feeling this needy. Insecure. And it's the neurotic Amy -- not the Logical one. My shrink says it's normal after being in such a bad relationship -- to want/crave/need more from this one. She said it will even out. So it was good to have that normalized. (Just when I start to think I'm really really neurotic!) And I'm not that bad - not like I'm stalking him or anything! Lurking outside his apartment.... wearing dark glasses around his office.... Nah. More just feelings. That I'll get through.
So, with a fairly sizable preface & explanation -- I told him. We talked about it -and the reasons were exactly what I thought. And it was all good.
Let's tease this one out
Now, I'm a sibling. I'm the oldest sibling. I have a younger sister and a younger brother. But I'll be DAMNED if I remember teasing them the way my kids tease each other. It's crazy!
(Yes, that's one's hand over the other's face.)
For example: They both still pee in bed. One is five, the other is seven, they're both boys - so I'm anticipating (unfortunately) that this will not stop any time soon. Whatever. But one morning Nathan runs over and goes to me: "Max peed in bed. I didn't." Then runs over to Max "Ha-ha Max, you peed. I didn't!"
What's the point?
Or yesterday at the shoe store. "Nathan, you're going to get the DORA shoes! Mommy said she's going to get you the DORA shoes. You're a GIRL!" (The horror!) WHich leads to Nathan crying: "Max says I"m going to get the girly shoes! I don't want to get the girl shoes!"
I just stand there. Incredulous. "Do you want the girl shoes?" "No." "Then why does Max saying it make it happen?" And yes, I know - what was I thinking? How/why could I possibly think that logic would prevail?
And this is constant. The poking, the prodding, the running to be first. Always first. Then announcing it. Then pronouncing the other "loser." Or purposely sitting in the other's seat - with a hint of a smile....
But, what gets me through it is I know they really love each other. THey look out for each other, they play with each other, they care for each other in very very obvious ways...
I try. I really really try to ignore it. But damn.
And I wouold like to use this moment to mention how bloody annoying Blogger photos upload is!!
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Friday, June 22, 2007
Tricks are for Kids!
I have a cold. Not dreadful, but pretty annoying. The last time I took cold medication I literally felt like I was on another planet. It was awful. The no drowsiness ones make me crazy, and the others, well... zzzzzzzzzzz
But! Today, sports fans - I took children's cold medicine!! And it worked! My nose is no longer stuffed and I'm not crazy. (Well, not any more crazy than usual...)
I am SO psyched. Just had to share. Because I care. Because I can breathe, baby! I can breathe!!
But! Today, sports fans - I took children's cold medicine!! And it worked! My nose is no longer stuffed and I'm not crazy. (Well, not any more crazy than usual...)
I am SO psyched. Just had to share. Because I care. Because I can breathe, baby! I can breathe!!
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Good for Him!
So, remember how I wrote over here about how Max and X had "words" while we were out for lunch the other day? Well, I had been thinking about it quite a bit the fact that they were both being so stubborn, and how Max was totally butting heads with X.
So, I mentioned it to my shrink & you know what she said? She said "Good for him!" He is standing up for himself. He has a strong sense of self and will not let himself be pushed around. By anyone. He will not lose himself with his father, like you did... you lost yourself. You did a really good job with him."
So, you know... hearing that... so many things to think about in that one statement. (Shrinks are good for that, aren't they? Guess you have to feel like you're getting your money's worth...)
So 1) Losing myself. I guess I did. I remember about a year after X moved out, when I was going out w/EX and I was walking down the street & all of a sudden actually felt lighter. I felt good. And I realized my smile was different. It was easier. Also, lighter. ANd I knew - it was like a physical reaction - that I was back again. Strange how the body and mind are so connected... but it really was an actual feeling of just being lighter. (And no - not because of the weight I lost! I"m not that shallow!!)
2) Max with strong sense of himself & standing up for himself. You know, I think both my boys do. They both advocate for themselves - and for each other. I really know when they are at school, camp, classes, whatever - that they will NOT do what they don't want, and they will speak up.
3) Me doing a good job. Well, honestly, as I've mentioned before -- I really CANNOT hear that enough. It's just the bestbestbestybestbest thing to hear.
Now go get 'em. Max!
So, I mentioned it to my shrink & you know what she said? She said "Good for him!" He is standing up for himself. He has a strong sense of self and will not let himself be pushed around. By anyone. He will not lose himself with his father, like you did... you lost yourself. You did a really good job with him."
So, you know... hearing that... so many things to think about in that one statement. (Shrinks are good for that, aren't they? Guess you have to feel like you're getting your money's worth...)
So 1) Losing myself. I guess I did. I remember about a year after X moved out, when I was going out w/EX and I was walking down the street & all of a sudden actually felt lighter. I felt good. And I realized my smile was different. It was easier. Also, lighter. ANd I knew - it was like a physical reaction - that I was back again. Strange how the body and mind are so connected... but it really was an actual feeling of just being lighter. (And no - not because of the weight I lost! I"m not that shallow!!)
2) Max with strong sense of himself & standing up for himself. You know, I think both my boys do. They both advocate for themselves - and for each other. I really know when they are at school, camp, classes, whatever - that they will NOT do what they don't want, and they will speak up.
3) Me doing a good job. Well, honestly, as I've mentioned before -- I really CANNOT hear that enough. It's just the bestbestbestybestbest thing to hear.
Now go get 'em. Max!
Thursday, June 07, 2007
So I'm just thinking...
I was thinking about what I wrote in my last post... and about staying with a husband/wife if they become mentally ill. Now, I'm not saying that X was mentally ill - but I'm certain he has some diagnosable personality disorders.
And I suppose it depends on what the illness is.... but let's say the person has severe and persistent depression -- that is very very difficult to live with. Not to mention what it might do to the children. Is that more of an impact? A different impact than being physically ill and undergoing surgeries and treatments?
I mean - I don't know... just kinda thinking out loud - and probably there's no set answer, but on a case by case situation..... But when I was in that, I felt that I needed to stay - to help him - because we were married... and where does that responsibilty begin/end?
And I suppose it depends on what the illness is.... but let's say the person has severe and persistent depression -- that is very very difficult to live with. Not to mention what it might do to the children. Is that more of an impact? A different impact than being physically ill and undergoing surgeries and treatments?
I mean - I don't know... just kinda thinking out loud - and probably there's no set answer, but on a case by case situation..... But when I was in that, I felt that I needed to stay - to help him - because we were married... and where does that responsibilty begin/end?
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
Am I really one of them?
I'm going to begin this post by saying I'm not sure if I'm going to post it or not. I have lots of stuff swirling around in my mind... and I'm thinking that maybe writing it out will help - in the cathartic way writing things out does help & also to just get it out, look at it, & think about it.
So. Ok. The other night I had another PTSD experience. J was over, something happened that was really pretty minor... I got through it - or so I thought - and fell asleep. Then woke up at about 3:00 am, remembered what happened & then started almost hyperventilating and then just... well... sobbing. It was strange. I mean, when I cry now it's not like this. Not this sobsobsobbing. You know, pass me the tissue box sobbing.
And I'm pretty sure I know what it was from. What happened with J reminded me about something that used to happen with X. Stuff that wasn't very nice. Stuff that I can't even bring myself to write about here - because to write it out would really be the final step - to really really talk about what an absolute bastard he was. Mean stuff. Stuff that just makes you feel really really small.
So while I knew that this is what happened with X & that it would never ever ever happen with J - I got scared. Scared that maybe it would. And I was sad. So, so sad. So sad that I had been in that situation. That these things happened to me. That I did not extricate myself from it. That I allowed it to continue. That I did not even say anything to X - just took it and tried to rationalize it away. (He's stressed, He's depressed, Things will be better once X, Y or Z happens....)
J woke up, comforted me and we talked about it. (You know, I don't think X ever comforted me. I don't think he knew how. He used to say that women used crying as a form of manipulation.) I told J about what I can't bring myself to write here. But it's good that I *can* talk about it with him. Very good.
The feelings were so strong that night -- that I even had a sort of hang over from them the next day. My brain was fuzz. It was overwhelming. The convergence of the past with the present & coming to terms with all of it.
So today I went to my shrink. And she was like.... 'Well, that's pretty normal.... you really went through a lot, etc. etc. etc... emotional abuse, blah, blah, blah." And while I might have tossed that term around when thinking/talking about my relationship with X -- it was just a term to be tossed. I never really thought about it. Emotional Abuse.
Shrink asked if I had ever talked to anybody about the things that happened with X - when it was happening, and I realized that I didn't. I wasn't seeing a therapist then... and honestly -- how many people can you tell that your husband says things like: "Well, I don't want to go to that pizza store tonight - the girl who works there is cute & I'm ashamed to be seen with you -- looking like that...."?
Uh huh. He did. And no, I didn't slug him, or yell at him, or anything. I just kind of went quiet. Telling myself: "It's not true. You know it's not true. It's just his "stuff" that he's working out... and once he works it out it will be better -- you just have to get through this... being married means you deal with the good and the bad" And, when things got worse I'd always think: "Ok, you're married - if somebody is physically ill you wouldn't leave them -- so do you leave if somebody is mentally ill? Aren't *I* the one who is suppposed to stick with him? Who else will, and isn't this what it's all about?"
Butcha know - you can't live in an environment like that & not have it impact you. And that's what is happening now. What I supressed before. What I didn't talk about before. What I kept in before, feeling like that was being strong -handling it. Is now coming out because I really am strong - and able to talk about it. Deal with it. It is making its way out now. I guess feelings are like water... they seek their own level & will just kinda worm their way through...
I asked the shrink if it will ever stop & she said the more I talk about it, the more it will dissipate... and go away.
But also, what I've been thinking about is the whole "Emotional Abuse" label. You don't like to think of yourself as "one of those." Or, ok - maybe I don't. I don't like to think of myself as an "abused woman." I'm tough - I talk back. I'm from a close family; a psychologically helathy family (whatever that means, but relative to others... yes!). I know what's what, I know the proper way for a woman to be treated... I was in social work school, for crying out loud! A social worker!
But... errr... the way I was treated was no way for anybody to be treated. And if you think of how I never would tell anybody what he said - or did (and no - he was never ever physical although he did fly into rages... and there was always the threat of violence... he never did.), and his father abused his mother.... (and that's really something that does pass from father to son).
It's such a strange, strange feeling to... I guess acknowlege this. Can I really label myself an "abused woman?" (And for some reason I keep hearing that Senator @ the Anita Hill Hearings: "Are you a scorned woman, Ms. Hill?") I could be one of those commercials: "YES - it DOES happen here!"
But, you know, on the flip side - my shrink constantly marvels about J. The fact that I am not repeating the pattern - and how I am with somebody who is pretty much the polar opposite of X. It's almost to the point that she just doesn't get it. These things don't happen! There are RULES to be followed!
Good to know, though, that I'm in the right place now.
So. Ok. The other night I had another PTSD experience. J was over, something happened that was really pretty minor... I got through it - or so I thought - and fell asleep. Then woke up at about 3:00 am, remembered what happened & then started almost hyperventilating and then just... well... sobbing. It was strange. I mean, when I cry now it's not like this. Not this sobsobsobbing. You know, pass me the tissue box sobbing.
And I'm pretty sure I know what it was from. What happened with J reminded me about something that used to happen with X. Stuff that wasn't very nice. Stuff that I can't even bring myself to write about here - because to write it out would really be the final step - to really really talk about what an absolute bastard he was. Mean stuff. Stuff that just makes you feel really really small.
So while I knew that this is what happened with X & that it would never ever ever happen with J - I got scared. Scared that maybe it would. And I was sad. So, so sad. So sad that I had been in that situation. That these things happened to me. That I did not extricate myself from it. That I allowed it to continue. That I did not even say anything to X - just took it and tried to rationalize it away. (He's stressed, He's depressed, Things will be better once X, Y or Z happens....)
J woke up, comforted me and we talked about it. (You know, I don't think X ever comforted me. I don't think he knew how. He used to say that women used crying as a form of manipulation.) I told J about what I can't bring myself to write here. But it's good that I *can* talk about it with him. Very good.
The feelings were so strong that night -- that I even had a sort of hang over from them the next day. My brain was fuzz. It was overwhelming. The convergence of the past with the present & coming to terms with all of it.
So today I went to my shrink. And she was like.... 'Well, that's pretty normal.... you really went through a lot, etc. etc. etc... emotional abuse, blah, blah, blah." And while I might have tossed that term around when thinking/talking about my relationship with X -- it was just a term to be tossed. I never really thought about it. Emotional Abuse.
Shrink asked if I had ever talked to anybody about the things that happened with X - when it was happening, and I realized that I didn't. I wasn't seeing a therapist then... and honestly -- how many people can you tell that your husband says things like: "Well, I don't want to go to that pizza store tonight - the girl who works there is cute & I'm ashamed to be seen with you -- looking like that...."?
Uh huh. He did. And no, I didn't slug him, or yell at him, or anything. I just kind of went quiet. Telling myself: "It's not true. You know it's not true. It's just his "stuff" that he's working out... and once he works it out it will be better -- you just have to get through this... being married means you deal with the good and the bad" And, when things got worse I'd always think: "Ok, you're married - if somebody is physically ill you wouldn't leave them -- so do you leave if somebody is mentally ill? Aren't *I* the one who is suppposed to stick with him? Who else will, and isn't this what it's all about?"
Butcha know - you can't live in an environment like that & not have it impact you. And that's what is happening now. What I supressed before. What I didn't talk about before. What I kept in before, feeling like that was being strong -handling it. Is now coming out because I really am strong - and able to talk about it. Deal with it. It is making its way out now. I guess feelings are like water... they seek their own level & will just kinda worm their way through...
I asked the shrink if it will ever stop & she said the more I talk about it, the more it will dissipate... and go away.
But also, what I've been thinking about is the whole "Emotional Abuse" label. You don't like to think of yourself as "one of those." Or, ok - maybe I don't. I don't like to think of myself as an "abused woman." I'm tough - I talk back. I'm from a close family; a psychologically helathy family (whatever that means, but relative to others... yes!). I know what's what, I know the proper way for a woman to be treated... I was in social work school, for crying out loud! A social worker!
But... errr... the way I was treated was no way for anybody to be treated. And if you think of how I never would tell anybody what he said - or did (and no - he was never ever physical although he did fly into rages... and there was always the threat of violence... he never did.), and his father abused his mother.... (and that's really something that does pass from father to son).
It's such a strange, strange feeling to... I guess acknowlege this. Can I really label myself an "abused woman?" (And for some reason I keep hearing that Senator @ the Anita Hill Hearings: "Are you a scorned woman, Ms. Hill?") I could be one of those commercials: "YES - it DOES happen here!"
But, you know, on the flip side - my shrink constantly marvels about J. The fact that I am not repeating the pattern - and how I am with somebody who is pretty much the polar opposite of X. It's almost to the point that she just doesn't get it. These things don't happen! There are RULES to be followed!
Good to know, though, that I'm in the right place now.
Check this out
Sooooo funny! (And for some reason it won't let me embed the link...)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqfFrCUrEbY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqfFrCUrEbY
Monday, May 28, 2007
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Ok, so it's all ok
Ok?
You know, I use this blog (and the other blog) to do a lot of complaining and venting. And lately (ok, maybe mostly, maybe mostly always) it's been about X. Butcha know, I've been thinking.....
I've been going to this new shrink. My old one was very Freudian. Did not talk. This one talks -- and I'm finding I like the talking. It gives me a window into the things I have going RIGHT in my life... how I'm actually pretty ok. And yes, probably the silent shrink helped me well along to my place of relative ok-ness.... but now this is good, too.
I was telling her about X & his girlfriend, and me and J & she said "you know, you're very lucky - very often girlfriends or step parents can not like the kids. Or be jealous." Hmmm, I thought. Yes, I suppose I'm very lucky about that. We're all pretty ok. Yesterday X and his girlfriend came to the boys little league game. It wasn't their weekend to have the kids and X (yes, X!!!) got up early and got there! And ok, I could have done without it... but it was so great for the kids!
And then Shrink told me how it was so great how the kids were so willing to accept J and X's girlfriend. How they were so comfortable with them, showing affection to them. She said "They must have been raised with a lot of love and security -- so that they are so willing to show it to others, and have no fear that it won't be returned." Do you know HOW GOOD that made me feel?!? You get so bogged down - especially with this whole divorce thing - with wondering if you're doing the right things.... kids are ok.... etc, etc.... And ok - you get report cards, you see them for yourself... but you know the parental eye is only SO unbiased....
You know, I use this blog (and the other blog) to do a lot of complaining and venting. And lately (ok, maybe mostly, maybe mostly always) it's been about X. Butcha know, I've been thinking.....
I've been going to this new shrink. My old one was very Freudian. Did not talk. This one talks -- and I'm finding I like the talking. It gives me a window into the things I have going RIGHT in my life... how I'm actually pretty ok. And yes, probably the silent shrink helped me well along to my place of relative ok-ness.... but now this is good, too.
I was telling her about X & his girlfriend, and me and J & she said "you know, you're very lucky - very often girlfriends or step parents can not like the kids. Or be jealous." Hmmm, I thought. Yes, I suppose I'm very lucky about that. We're all pretty ok. Yesterday X and his girlfriend came to the boys little league game. It wasn't their weekend to have the kids and X (yes, X!!!) got up early and got there! And ok, I could have done without it... but it was so great for the kids!
And then Shrink told me how it was so great how the kids were so willing to accept J and X's girlfriend. How they were so comfortable with them, showing affection to them. She said "They must have been raised with a lot of love and security -- so that they are so willing to show it to others, and have no fear that it won't be returned." Do you know HOW GOOD that made me feel?!? You get so bogged down - especially with this whole divorce thing - with wondering if you're doing the right things.... kids are ok.... etc, etc.... And ok - you get report cards, you see them for yourself... but you know the parental eye is only SO unbiased....
Then yesterday we were at a pool club with J's family (his parents, sister, neices...) and my kids were so comfortable with them - Max running over to J's parents to tell them what he just did in the pool. And I saw it again. You know, the biggest thing "they" say that can happen to kids post-divorce is that they feel it's their fault. They become reserved. Guilty.
Ahhhh, it just felt so good.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Let's get Physical
So, I had the day off yesterday and went for my yearly physical. I am totally (knock on wood) healthy, although I did have a few issues I wanted to talk to the Dr. about. I've actually gone to this doctor more than once -- which is strange in this day and age of changing insurance coverage... But - I really like her and oh - she doesn't take insurance. Yep. She decided that she would rather be able to spend time with her patients & not be within the constraints imposed by insurance. My insurance does take out of network though - so I guess it's ok. (Even though I probably won't meet my deductible. But whatever.)
So ANYHOW.
I told her how I've been getting these migraines right around mid menstrual cycle & near the end - and how I've been getting these strange heart palpitations. I said I didn't know if these were stress related, or just a new wonderful, fun thing my body was now doing. (That whole getting older, peri-menapausal thing. Nice to think about, I know.)
So, she asked me about PMS - and I said sometimes I feel it for about two weeks out of each month... moody, tired, moody, cranky, moody.... So, she recommended these calcium suplements. THEN she goes on to say how prozac is really good for PMS. PROZAC!!!
I was like - I have PMS, but I'm not one of those people who go over the edge.... just a bit more "sensitive" than usual.
But she kept bringing it up. "Why lose two weeks out of a month?" and "You don't wnat to take your moods out on your kids..." She actually made it seem really good... I mean, imagine.... being PMS free? It really WOULD make a difference in my life. Except that I think I think of this as PART of my life. It's what happens to my mind/body. Is that wrong? I mean, I would be the first to tell somebody that if something is going on in your mind/body that you don't like - then give yourself some relief and fix it! So I don't know. Gonna try the mega vitamin stuff & see how that works.... Prozac!!
Then we talked about weight. Just that morning I tried on summer clothes. Ugh! Nothing was fitting! (Ok, i'm in the midst of..... PMS.... but still!) So I was feeling mighty tubby. I gained five pounds from last year. BUT - she told me I'm right in my weight range! That I have a perfect BMI (Body Mass Index) and that I Don't. Need. To. Lose.
What? Is she crazy? I mean really.
(This is after a week of trying Slim Fast and making myself crazy by having fantasies of inhaling boxes of crackers...)
I am 5'2 and currently weigh 118. ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTEEN POUNDS! So, we discussed it for a bit & she said she wouldn't recommend me going below 110. Then she says "And you know how difficult it is for somebody of your weight to lose just a little bit." Yes. I know. Thank you for reminding me.
Then I got to thinking.... am I falling into this whole body image crap thing? I mean, if my doctor is telling me I'm fine & I do not need to lose -- why am I killing myself like this? Because really, shouldn't you just want to be a certain weight for health reasons? And as long as you're healthy... then just go on your merry way? Just wear the clothes that fit you for that weight?
Or should you want to feel really good in those low rise jeans and t-shirt?
Shit man. I wanna feel GOOD!
So ANYHOW.
I told her how I've been getting these migraines right around mid menstrual cycle & near the end - and how I've been getting these strange heart palpitations. I said I didn't know if these were stress related, or just a new wonderful, fun thing my body was now doing. (That whole getting older, peri-menapausal thing. Nice to think about, I know.)
So, she asked me about PMS - and I said sometimes I feel it for about two weeks out of each month... moody, tired, moody, cranky, moody.... So, she recommended these calcium suplements. THEN she goes on to say how prozac is really good for PMS. PROZAC!!!
I was like - I have PMS, but I'm not one of those people who go over the edge.... just a bit more "sensitive" than usual.
But she kept bringing it up. "Why lose two weeks out of a month?" and "You don't wnat to take your moods out on your kids..." She actually made it seem really good... I mean, imagine.... being PMS free? It really WOULD make a difference in my life. Except that I think I think of this as PART of my life. It's what happens to my mind/body. Is that wrong? I mean, I would be the first to tell somebody that if something is going on in your mind/body that you don't like - then give yourself some relief and fix it! So I don't know. Gonna try the mega vitamin stuff & see how that works.... Prozac!!
Then we talked about weight. Just that morning I tried on summer clothes. Ugh! Nothing was fitting! (Ok, i'm in the midst of..... PMS.... but still!) So I was feeling mighty tubby. I gained five pounds from last year. BUT - she told me I'm right in my weight range! That I have a perfect BMI (Body Mass Index) and that I Don't. Need. To. Lose.
What? Is she crazy? I mean really.
(This is after a week of trying Slim Fast and making myself crazy by having fantasies of inhaling boxes of crackers...)
I am 5'2 and currently weigh 118. ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTEEN POUNDS! So, we discussed it for a bit & she said she wouldn't recommend me going below 110. Then she says "And you know how difficult it is for somebody of your weight to lose just a little bit." Yes. I know. Thank you for reminding me.
Then I got to thinking.... am I falling into this whole body image crap thing? I mean, if my doctor is telling me I'm fine & I do not need to lose -- why am I killing myself like this? Because really, shouldn't you just want to be a certain weight for health reasons? And as long as you're healthy... then just go on your merry way? Just wear the clothes that fit you for that weight?
Or should you want to feel really good in those low rise jeans and t-shirt?
Shit man. I wanna feel GOOD!
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Tune in this week...
For another episode of the TV Movie of the Week. Because that's what my life is starting to feel like.
Max had a little league game yesterday at 6:30 pm. J met us there. And, surprise surprise - so did X. And his girlfriend. All of us. Sitting on the bleacher. Watching the game.
And honestly, it was really really ok... but the whole time I just couldn't help but feel like I was something out of a tv movie of the week. Or an after school special. Like: This is my life now. I'm a single mom, with a boyfriend and an Ex husband... who has a girlfriend.... and there we all are, as happy as pie....
This sort of stuff doesn't happen to me. This sort of stuff happens to other people.
I grew up in such a "Happy Family". Did I ever, in a hundred thousand million years think that I'd be leaning over my boyfriend, who was sitting next to me, to talk to my X about our son? I thought I'd always be with X. But then, so does every currently divorced, or soon to be divorced person. You (hopefully) would not marry them otherwise.
So it was just so... surreal.
Butcha know - he STILL won't pick up the scooters!
Max had a little league game yesterday at 6:30 pm. J met us there. And, surprise surprise - so did X. And his girlfriend. All of us. Sitting on the bleacher. Watching the game.
And honestly, it was really really ok... but the whole time I just couldn't help but feel like I was something out of a tv movie of the week. Or an after school special. Like: This is my life now. I'm a single mom, with a boyfriend and an Ex husband... who has a girlfriend.... and there we all are, as happy as pie....
This sort of stuff doesn't happen to me. This sort of stuff happens to other people.
I grew up in such a "Happy Family". Did I ever, in a hundred thousand million years think that I'd be leaning over my boyfriend, who was sitting next to me, to talk to my X about our son? I thought I'd always be with X. But then, so does every currently divorced, or soon to be divorced person. You (hopefully) would not marry them otherwise.
So it was just so... surreal.
Butcha know - he STILL won't pick up the scooters!
Sunday, May 20, 2007
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