Woke up this morning....

With the beginnings of a migraine. Not so surprising. Although I was beginning to think that the migraines were just purely hormonal - happening the first Tuesday right after my period. (Really. They've been like clockwork, thank you peri-menopause....) So I'm not quite sure what's going on here..... middle of the cycle? Or just purely stress related? (Although if that's the case, honestly, why don't I have them every day?!?!) And you know what my very first thought was?!? OK - second after I realized "oh shit - better get up and take an Advil right this very second!" Maybe I won't have to fast this Yom Kippur. Yes. I'm such a good Jew.

OK. Lest the five people who read this blog think that my life is entirely doom and gloom, I'm going to write what I actually was planning to write about yesterday morning. After leaving the kids at school, when I actually began the day with a smile on my face. (Really. Walking down the street with a little grin!)

A big thing that's been going on in my life lately is getting my kids to school. Sounds trivial, I know... but I've lost my full time sitter AND they changed the start time of school from 8 am to 8:40 am. When I first knew I'd no longer have the sitter to take the kids to the bus or school in the morning I told my supervisor I'd probably be in by about 9:15 am... bus comes about 7:5-8:00 am... But then. Right. Time change.

So I've spent the past few months trying to work out solutions to not getting into work too late, and if I do... not having to stay too late to make up the time. I worked out a sort of convoluted plan to work later one day a week... BUT - the bus has been coming at the usual time... so it's been OK.

Now it seems they've changed it. There are two bus pick up times.... one at 7:50 - that's for the Extended day kids - so they get into school at the old 8 am time.... and one is 8:20 am.... for the "regular" kids. So, which bus do I put them on? Early, have them sit inside the school building (aides won't let them outside) so I can get to work on time, or later - which is better, but gets me to work later.... (This is getting really long. Sorry! But you know, I feel like you might need some background for this...)

SO - here's the thing. Max does not want to take the bus. At all. He wants to walk. He wants to get to school early so he can hang out with his friends outside and play ball. And the thing with this is - it has taken him up until this year to make a group of friends. He's social & everybody likes him... but he hadn't really connected with a "friend." At his last birthday party, he only wanted to invite two people and he has little or no play dates. So I'm really happy that he's settling in. The two boys he plays with are not in his class - so he only sees them before school, lunch and after....

So OK. Max wants to walk. But if we get there that early that means that Nathan... who is not yet so comfortable there - has to get there early and sit in the cafeteria. With the breakfast kids and any early kindergarten kids. It's isolating and a bit scary.

ALSO - walking them, or bringing them a bit later as a compromise messes MY schedule and brings me into work later. So there's that. A mix where really nobody is entirely happy.

BUT - yesterday (missed the bus) I bumped into Max's friends mom. The dad walks him to school Mon-Wed, she brings him Thurs - Friday. She said to me "Hey, how about I walk Max and Nathan when I go in with B?" I can stay here with them, watch them, then drop Nathan off when it's time to go in?"

Can I tell you? Can I just tell you? There I was, wracking my brain, trying to figure this all out... figuring I'd just have to be late to work every day, work later, so I could walk them every once in a while, so Max could have his social time and Nathan won't be there so early.... and wouldn't that totally, totally suck... and Poof! Solution!

So now, Mon-Wed they take the bus, and Thurs - Friday they walk. They all get to play outside (and can I also tell you about the heart swelling moment yesterday, when Nathan was playing ball with the "big kids" and me realizing how nice Max is... letting Nathan play with them, encouraging him... And Max's friends... also not saying "Max, why is your little brother playing with us?!?" But also encouraging him... Max waited a while to find friends... but they're good ones.)

So, the mom said "you can go, I'll watch them, I'll drop Nathan off..." and I left. Huge grin on my face Feeling really good. Thoughts like "it does take a village" and "sometimes things do work out" and "things are finally clicking" and "this will be a good year" floating through my head. And how I have to write about this in my blog... it just feels so good.... this moment...

Then of course the rest of the day happened - that I wrote about below. But I want it noted for the record that it started off perfectly fine, and that I'm really not as depressing as this blog might seem. Really! You can ask anyone! (Except all the people I complain to!)

Mamma never told me there'd be days like this...

My Day:

Up at 5:38 a.m, shower, dress, feed kids, dress kids. (I'm slow in the morning; need lotsa time...)

7:50 am - out to make bus that is supposed to come at 7:50.

Miss bus.

7:55 walk to school.

8:07 meet Max's best friend & his mom. She offers to stay with kids so they can play outside until school starts 8:40 am (don't ask, they changed the start time. It's hell.)

8:30 - get to bus stop. Takes to long for bus; walk to subway.

9:30 am at work.

Eat power bar, various nuts, open up new box of Fiddle Faddle. Eat some.

11:00 am - Home visit. Client depressed. Wife a negative nag. I leave with promise from man that he will come visit me tomorrow.

Eat more fiddle faddle.

12:30 - talk to geriatric care managers who had been working with my client. his home attendant had been stealing from him.

Talk to endless stream of clients. Cannot get off phone.

2:00 pm - eat apple.

2:30 pm - supervisor calls - Have I spoken to new student intern about charting? About what forms to do? Uhhh... no.

3:00 pm - talk to former colleague about client mentioned in yesterday's post. Feel better.

Eat more Fiddle Faddle (down to crumbs now. Remember this was a new box.)

3:45 leave to meet client mentioned in yesterday's post & her brother.

4:30 - sit on bench outside clients apartment for 5 minute rest. Suddenly remember! Tennis Lessons! Max had a lesson today at 4, but I forgot to tell the sitter! (Of course his tennis clothes are right on the chair - but does that remind him? Apparently not.) Call Tennis center - Max can go at 5. Tell sitter.

4:42 - remember have to drop something w/supervisor! Run to office. She's gone.

4:58 - Grab a pizza from Hot Nosh at work. (Jewish agency, ya' know. Hot Nosh. They're open 24/6! Seventh day they rested... get it?!?)

5:02 - burn tongue on blasted kosher dried out HotNosh pizza!

5:08 - on subway.

5:09 - asleep.

5:46 - wake up startled, somebody's hair in my face. Nice. Don't ask.

6:00 pm - at West Side Tennis Club to pick up Max. (Love that place... so posh n' all...)

6:35 - walking home. Max asks/tells/yells/whines at me to hold his racket. I'm carrying two bags. I say something about perhaps we could switch and he could hold my 20 lb bag and I'll hold the racket.. He whines/cries/yells the whole walk back. It was so nice to have such a stress free walk.

7:00 pm - Max has to do his homework - plus his current events that he saved until.... say it with me now: The Last Minute. Of course. So, he has to read a story and write about it. He's exhausted. I'm exhausted. We haven't eaten. He screams. I scream. The neighbors close their windows.

8:00 pm - eat bowl of cold cereal.

8:45 pm. Kids fed (Kid Cuisine tv dinners... please forgive me!), homework done (ok, I "helped" him more than I should have... but he was so tired....)

9:00 pm - Bath.

9:45 pm - they're asleep.

10:00 pm - I make lunch for tomorrow. Pack up for overnight w/parents for Jewish Holy Day....

11:00 pm - blogging. Why aren't I asleep?

You know, I have some friends who lovelovelove to always be busy. Always have something to do, always be moving.... can't sit still! Gotta go! Gotta do! NOT ME. I need down time. I need to fart around on the computer. I need to chat on the phone. I need...... well heck - just to sit and stare off into space. Days like this, I do not enjoy. They also give me a good window as to why my weight might just go up and down... (ya' think?!?! Fiddle Faddle anyone?!?!?)

The bad, and the ugly...

Just found out that one of my clients. One of my first clients from when I starte here, so I've known her for over a year... is dying. She's only 62. She has been receiving substandard medical care from the first day I saw her. I kept trying to get her to switch doctors, but she wouldn't. She had a young resident/intern at a local clinic. I actually think she had a crush on him...

He just left & she finally agreed to see another doctor. The doctor just called me. She said: "Are you sitting?" Her body is riddled with cancer. The doctor could see this just from a home visit. No tests. No machinery. Her breast is deformed. Her lymph nodes... swollen...

Can you imagine, she's been seeing this other doctor for who knows how long. He's never seen it? Never noticed?!?

He's been treating her for one thing. The thing he thought was wrong with her. He never looked for anything else. THe doctor today said the other illness is SECONDARY to her cancer. She says they probably won't even be able to treat it.

The doctor herself was in shock. She said she needed time to absorb it. She said it was overwhelming. The client is blind, but she must have realized what was happening... Dr. said client is in denial... which I guess is why she never noticed what is happening...

I can't believe it. I just can't believe it. And the worst thing is... this client is SO difficult. SO difficult. I try to do so many things for her, and she won't accept. So at times I just stop. I don't call her. And now.... of course... I'm thinking... shouldn't I have pushed her harder? Told her again, and again, and again to switch doctors?!? I tried once, twice - she wouldn't do it. I gave up. I'm too busy. She's too difficult. She's "resistant." What if she was resistant because she knew there was something bad to find?!?

Oh man. This one is tough. I haven't really cried over too many of my clients... you know, they're seniors... they die.. it's organic. It's natural. THey've reached the end of their lives, good, long lives. But this?!? This?!? So unneccesary. And I was there all along.

The Big Blow Up

So it happened. I finally said to my mom: "Why is it that my friends realize how difficult it is for me to be one parent and two kids and somehow my own family does not?!?"

Yup. I said that. To my mom.

And it's not entirely fair, my family DOES help -- but each time I ask them it's like a huge deal... "Welll.... let me see.... we might be doing this... we might be doing that..." And I know it's partly sour grapes. Like when they say "We were going to see a movie that night." My thoughts are: "you can see a movie any fucking night. I get opportunities to go out every once in a while. I cannot just go out any night." Or they'll say: "I'm tired." So, take a nap. You can take a nap any time you want! Any time!

I know. Doesn't sound very healthy to me, either (my responses). And I'm sure the best way to be (for me) is somewhere in the middle. Not feel SO hostile towards them, but not let them shirk their extended family responsibilities, either. I'm working on it.

But still, my parents and sister live nearby and never take the kids over night, never just come over during the week, or offer. I guess that's it. They never offer. I always have to ask.... and that's what sucks.

And I'm thinking about the single parents who DON'T have X's to take the kids every other weekend, and I want to erect a huge statue in your honor... because I have absolutely no idea how you do it.

I went on to my mom: "All the decisions: Me. All their anxieties: Me. When they don't feel well: Me. Homework: Me. Doctors: Me.," And my mom said something that might very well be true: "But you don't tell us." And I don't. They call up: 'How was the first day of school for the kids." And I say "Nathan cried." But I don't say all the filler... how it was difficult, how they don't want to go the next day, how I spend the whole night convincing them to go the next day, how it's so draining..... I don't.

BUT - I DID say to my mom... I did tell her that sometimes all I want is for her to listen. To empathize. Not to offer advice, or what often seems to me as criticism. (Like as we were standing there she looks over at Nathan's meds. "Did you give him his meds this morning?" "YES I GAVE HIM HIS MEDS! I"M HIS MOTHER!" Stuff like that.)

So, the vibe here (since I'm out at their place on Long Island for the Jewish New Year....) is now a bit tense. I wanted to go home yesterday but the kids didn't want to leave. Saying things like "but we have a yard here" which also made me feel really, really good...

And, what initiated all this was that tonight I am going out w/J and his family for his nieces birthday. So I wanted to leave the kids here. In this house. With my parents and sister (three adults, that's right!) and well... they didn't say yes right away. (Ok, in the interest of full disclosure my mom's arm has been hurting - we think pinched nerve.) But they did. Ultimately. But it's still tense.

We'll see how the rest of it goes. I'll keep you posted. Just keep checking in on this blog channel. Ha! Also, have to post on the big meeting - J's family and mine! They came here first night Rosh Hashana! So I know that will keep you coming back for more!

Thanks. I needed that.

Today at work I very possibly saved somebody's life. Maybe even two people. It was a good day.

I received a referral... a man with terminal cancer, needs hospice placement, having trouble with his insurance and wife very overwhelmed with his care. Pretty standard. I was busy, so figured I'd call on it later.

I get a message from the physical therapist assigned to the case: "the woman very overwhelmed, threatens suicide." I call the Visiting nurse - she confirms. Horrible situation. I call the daughter. It seems that the mother is also becoming very sick, she is overwhelmed with the care of the husband AND the daughter is not only worried for the mother, but that the mother might do something to the father as well!"

Ooooh, getting good, huh?

So I call the wife. On her cell phone. She is waiting to visit a Dr. "Yeah, I hate him. Should have left him years ago." When I ask her about the suicide she says yes, she's mentioned it. When I asked about a plan - she was like "yup, I have pills." (Now, part of the suicide assessment is asking about a plan. Nine times out of ten the client says "Nah, I don't have a plan... I'm just talkin'." So imagine my surprise when she said that!) I asked her again, a bit later "No, I won't do it - I wouldn't give him the satisfaction!"

But still.

I call his doctor and we decide to have him admitted to the hospital. Keep everybody safe, and possibly expedite his admission to a hospice.

Of course, nobody told the client. I called him & he was like "no, I'm fine - I don't want to go to the hospital." But, I managed to convince him.

Called everybody. Told everybody. Tied it all up in a nice little package. (Assuming he got admitted. At this point I'm going to assume he was... )

And you know... it made me feel so good. I was good. I really was. I was Super Social Worker. I said the right things at the right time, I comforted, I listened, I advocated.... and I finished feeling really good about myself. Realized how much I like my job, how it's important, how I make a real, concrete difference & how that's a great thing to model to my kids.

I so needed that. I feel like I barely have control of life here... that my apartment is a shambles, that stuff just keeps happening, that I'm feeling so alone. So needy. So overwhelmed. Just not the strong, capable, independent woman I'd like to be.

And ok, I'm not going to go out on my balcony and belt "I Am Woman Hear Me Roar." (And yeah, you can smile picturing that - if you'd like.) But it just felt good.

And on it goes...

Nathan had a sore throat this morning. Perfect, huh? I gave him Motrin and sent him off. Hopefully it's just the beginning of a cold & nothing else... I felt that sending him to school - getting him used to it - was more important. (Sorry to any mothers in his class who could potentially hate me!) I hatehatehate having to make those decisions... but with him being so anxious about school (he was crying again, going on the bus this morning) and me being out last week & this being a short week at work (and what am I doing blogging now, you're asking?!? ) ... well -- it's tough if I didn't go in today.

So, I tossed the proverbial coin in the air, made the decision & we'll see how it goes.

Today's the first full day of the babysitter without me. Nervous.

The attorney called me back. Basically he could write a mean letter to X telling him he has to abide by the agreement or we will go to family court. BUT - he said - what would I do if he didn't abide. Oh. What would I do? I don't want to do anything to him... I just want him to do what he said he would do. But, that's not how it works. If we go to court I have to have some sort of threat: "Do it or you won't see the kids." Now, why in the world would I do that? Who would it help? (Well, maybe X!) I don't want to do that to the kids. Could you imagine? He'd only see them twice a month!!!

And no, he doesn't see them Tuesdays... he only cares about Max going to Hebrew School on Tuesdays because... well... good question? Why DOES he care? No idea. Just because he feels like a kid shouldn't be in school after school Because he didn't grow up with it. But, ask him how much time he spent on rugby and cricket practice....

So, I think I'm going to tell him that I spoke to an attorney, and that he is in violation and if he does it again we will take action.

This is all just so fucked.

How to treat a bully

So, yesterday - as if the Hebrew School thing wasn't enough, X tells me that I should drop the kids off at his place in Sunnyside every other week. It's not fair, he says, his coming to me to pick them up. (Did I mention that he was the one who decided to move away?)

Usually, on the weekends he has the kids I go right to J's place in Manhattan - from my job (also in Manhattan). So, my doing that would mean schlepping back home, schlepping to Sunnyside... then back....

J was like: No. No way. You're not doing it... He doesn't abide by the rules, you don't. But how can I? I don't bring the kids, he doesn't come? Who suffers? Then he tells the kids "Mommy won't bring you... so I can't see you." I don't want to get into that. He only cares about himself - so he doesn't worry. I, on the other hand, have a bit more on my mind.

BUT - in saying that - I can't let him go blithely around doing whatever he wants. We have an agreement. We have certain standards of behavior.

He calls me up yesterday, yelling: "Max is going to Hebrew School on Tuesdays, too! That's crazy! I didn't agree to that! You never told me!" I told him exactly where and when I told him (because I remember him comparing it to a Muslim extremist Madras...) and then hung up on him.

J says to me: "You know, you don't have to tell him. It says in the agreement that he agrees to it. That he agrees to verbally support it. That's it. You don't have to ask him every time." AND he went on to say "Why do you even ask him when you do other things? Why include him?"

I made some sort of comment about co-parenting... and it being only right that he's included & J just looked at me. "Do you think X is a co-parent? Does he do anything besides play with the kids every other weekend & then can't wait to get them back to you Sundays? You do it all. You're the parent. He's only involved when there's money & even then he doesn't want to..."

And he's right. I'm still clinging to this image/idea of how we said it would be when we spilt. How he says he wants it to be. But he can't. He can only think about himself. He may talk to the talk, but he sure as shit doesn't walk the walk.

J's like - he's a bully. Just ignore him. Do what you want... And maybe he's right. And maybe I'll try... but I can't help but feel that two wrongs don't make a right, you know? And how can I expect certain behavior from him if I don't do it myself? And how can there be any standards?

I've left a message for a lawyer. We'll see what happens with that. Meanwhile I have to get through the rest of this month... Nathan's meds, Nathan's blood test, new sitter, new teachers, more homework, back to school clothes, shoes, haircuts, tennis lessons, play dates, kids who don't want to go to school, etc, etc, etc.

Is it Christmas break yet?

I've been outted!

Ok, just finished a nice, good cry. I don't know... been feeling much more overwhelmed lately...

Losing my sitter was big. This sitter did everything. All the details that I forgot. All the little dots on top of the i's? She did it. Left something on the floor? She'd pick it up. Something in the sink? She's wash it. Linen closet looking really messy? She organizes it. So ok, I was a little spoiled... but it's not like I asked her to do this? Or hired her to do it? She just did. And I gratefully accepted.

But now. She's gone. And I have to do all these things... things I was never especially good at doing, anyhow. I mean - making the bed?!?! Why? You just get back into it! Why put that toy away - they're just going to take it out again! Honestly, I like a nice clean place with made beds... but to get my busy/lazy/busy self to do it is another thing.

So now I have this new sitter & all of a sudden.... Oh. I have to have dinners for the kids, don't I? I never did it before, since the sitter just morphed with me from babyfood, to finger food, to whatever they happen to eat... And I'm not a cook. I like to. Sometimes. But for little people who don't really eat...? Max will, finally, eat mostly anything. Nathan... welll Nathan lives on air. His diet consists of yogurt, cottage cheese, peanut butter, cream cheese and if I'm lucky sometimes some pizza or chicken nuggets/french fries.

So in showing the new sitter what they eat, it's basically: here's the freezer. Open it up, pick something out, stick it in the microwave & give it to 'em. Ummmmm..... errrrr..... no. I guess I don't really cook.

So I'm feeling a little less than adequate in the parenting department. And in thinking about that, I realized that that is probably one reason why I like to read parenting blogs. I like to see where other parents fall short. So I don't feel so alone. Don't feel like I have to always be perfect. I don't know so many moms... so it's so great when I read a blog and somebody says: "Gave my kids nuggets again for dinner!" Hooray!

And also - Nathan has to go on synthroid for about a month. His thyroid tested low. (He's small and is being followed by pediatric endocrinologist.) Then, at the end of the month has to go for a four freaking hour blood test. FOUR HOURS! He has to fast before, then I bring him in & he has to sit. With a catheter in his arm. For FOUR HOURS. They have a video machine there...but. So I'm freaked out that I'm giving my son this weird medicine... and how upset he's going to be going through this...

AND, this morning he was crying, crying, crying. Did not want to go into school. "It's so big! It's so long! I want to be with you!" Ugh. I know, I know... he'll be ok. But. Ugh. And then figuring out this do I walk them to school, put them on the bus? Pick them up from school? Have them take the bus?!?

It's the little shit. But it's really starting to feel to me that it's all the little shit that's really the tough stuff.

And on to other things...

Can I just say how much I love my "Internet friends"? Can I? You guys are great (esp the face punching part!)

I contacted the mediator who says she does not feel comfortable recommending an attorney. So, I called a woman I work with - an elder law attorney I recommend to many of my clients & she's going to call a few friends to see if they know anybody.. at least somebody for me to talk to. She will also tell them of my income restrictions - since she knows I'm an underpaid social worker! Soooo... we'll see what happens.

And oh. X is surprised I'm pushing for this... since I apparently value family so much... why would I keep the boys from him. Then the next sentence he says his girlfriend wants to move to Brooklyn to get a two bedroom (so the boys will have their own room.) Brooklyn. No car. So I just asked X: "Why is it when we first split you said you would live nearby? See the boys often? Help with homework? And now you're moving to Brooklyn? What about Little League on Saturday mornings? That's quite a subway ride..." He hasn't answered. Putz.

BUT!!! NEW BABYSITTER!!!! AMAZING!!! This girl is absolutely great. She just started her junior year in HS & while I was worried about her youth -- it's really turning into a benefit.

She plays with the boys, asks them questions, makes everything a teaching opportunity. Yesterday Max did NOT want to do his homework book report. He was overwhelmed from the day & just kept saying "I can't do it." We got into this whole power thing & nothing was happening. I left the room, then hear him laughing. She is sitting with him & within a half hour the report was written!! No joke!!

I called up a friend and said that I feel like a burned out old hag. All I can do is yell, try to convince, bribe or threaten. I feel like I've forgotten everything else. Sitting. Laughing. Thinking outside the box....

She was like "Well, that's why you hire somebody else!" But still. I don't know... it's just kinda depressing that you get to the point with so much on your mind, so many stresses... that you lose that part. Or, I shouldn't generalize it -- that *I* have lost that part. At least I feel like I have.

This morning both kids went to school at the same time. It swelled my heart to see Max take Nathan's hand and talk to him about school. Then when they were going in, he put his arm around his shoulder. He introduced him to people. He said "Don't worry, Nathan - I'll show you where to go." I left feeling very secure. His brother will be there to look after him.

OK. So maybe I'm a burnt out old hag, but I guess I'm doing some things right...

F**kin, F**k, F**k, F**k, F**K!!!!

So yeah. I'm a little.... how should I say it...? Irate? Frustrated? F**kin' pissed off? YEAH! That's it!

Those of you who know me back from the other blog know that a lot (a LOT) of it is the chronicle of my frustrations with X. Dealing with him missing his days with the kids, dealing with him not wanting to contribute to things for them, dealing with working out our divorce agreement, going to mediation, writing and re-writing that damn agreement until we both came up with something agreeable...dealing with his jabs, dealing with his crap, just dealing.

But, we worked it out. We hashed out an agreement & now we're divorced. And actually, things have been pretty calm. Pretty normal. But... this is X. I should have known it wouldn't last for long.

I sent him an email to let him know about stuff coming up for September: I'm having the kids two weekends in a row because of the Jewish High Holy Days, Max is signing up for tennis lessons, and his first day of Hebrew School is this Sunday.

X emails back: "I'm sorry but I can't do Hebrew school any more. It encroaches on my special time with the boys. I like going out with them-- doing different things, museums, playing at the park, dogs, etc. I am not going to do it anymore. I have little time with them: I'm not going to kill one of my two days with them because of Hebrew school. "

So I say to him: 1) This is in the agreement. Father will transport to Hebrew School two out of the three times he has them (I gave in that one. I said I'd come in from Manhattan, go to Sunnyside, pick them up, bring to Forest Hills, bring back to Sunnyside... because it's important. Because it's what you do...) 2) If you want to see them, if you want to spend any more time with them - all you have to do is ask. Get off work early & want to take them to dinner? Be my guest. Want to have them an extra weekend every once in a while? Be my guest.

He says: "I will take them two out of every three weeks. Just not on Saturday or Sundays. And I'm glad to support Jewish education; hence, I'm not protesting them taking the two weeks for Yom Kippar or Rosha Shanna. I'm sorry but I refuse to give up my time with the children. It is easy for you since you have them 24 x 7. Not for me. "

Again I repeat that it is in the agreement. We talked about all this before. We hashed it out before. Spent money on a mediator, had it put in the agreement... he can't do this now!

He says: "I disagree. We discussed from a cost perspective.... Also, it is tough for me to see the boys beyond the weekends. I have a job that requires a lot of responsibility that pays your/boys' rent-- and I often stay at work until about 6 pm. So that is nonsense. I can't let you kill the precious time that I have with my sons. It is not good for me, nor them."

I point him to the exact section on our signed agreement.

He says: "I disagree. And I can't believe you would want to deny your children time with their father. In year's to come, the boy's will cherish the greater time they spent with their father... (their attitude to Hebrew school will be like you and your sister's...ho-hum) You are denying me of my fundamental right as a father. I won't stand by idly..."

So, I contact the mediator & she says that he is in violation of the agreement.

So? What do I do? Do I tell this poor, poor man who sometimes has to work 'til 6:00 pm & thus cannot take his kids out for dinner? Or see them an extra weekend? Or? Remember when he was eating down the street from them? And didn't want to see them because he was in "friends mode"? Do I tell him it's ok? It's in the agreement, but it's ok. They'll miss every other week of the Hebrew School that I paid for? On my own - because you won't contribute?

And I said to him - Ok - let's say you won't bring him -- but at least bring him to the first! This Sunday! It's important to go to the first class, so you learn what's going to happen, everybody is introduced... etc, etc.

He said no. So selfish.

I'm just so, fucking, fucking pissed off. I mean, I don't want to get a lawyer. It seems so silly - for just this. But I hate that he gets away with this!! I mean, what is the sense of an agreement then?!?

And I know plenty plenty of families where the parents do not agree about religious education - but then present a united front to the kids. Because that's what you do. And even if you're divorced, in theory - and according to what X says he believes - that is what you do.

So, I have to decide if I'm really going to fight this...and if fighting it means going to court? And does that mean involving the kids? Or swallow my anger and just let it go. Max will miss every other Sunday. I"ll take him Tuesdays and the other Sundays. I'm not going to involve the kids. i won't.

Guess I'll end up sucking it up. But man, sometimes I just want to put a hit out on that guy.

They're gone

And? Funnily enough - I miss the little buggers.

I mean, they are cute, sweet tempered, happy dogs... but just not for me right now. Too jumpy. Too hyper. Too many walks.

X came in to get them & Bill, the older one, would not go near him. He just kept barking and barking at him - in this deep bark.... It was so obvious: He was angry. "Why the hell did you leave me here! I had no idea if you were coming back for me or not! I was so scared! You didn't talk to me, you didn't prep me! Nothing!"

You think I'm sounding a bit carried away? I tell you - if you could have seen that interaction. And X was freaked out. Apparently Bill has NEVER acted like that with him before. Never.

Then, as he was walking with them down the hall... towards the elevator... they kept looking back at me.

Poor dogs.

What Nathan Said Tonight:

"Mom, I'm really nervous about school. Will it be hard? Will the teacher be nice? Will she show me what to do? I hope I get a Black teacher. Will the principal be nice?"

Wait a minute! Whoa there! Hang on a second! What?? Black teacher? What??

"I don't want a White one. I want a Black one."

But, but....?!? Why? You had an Asian teacher last year? A White one the year before? It doesn't matter what color a teacher is!!!

"Yes, but that was when I was a baby. I want a Black one."

I have no idea. Maybe it's something to do with his sitter for the past four years, who he was absolutely attached to - (who he is pining after) who is from St. Vincent?

But heck, man ... the things that come from their mouths.... you can't make this stuff up.

And I know. I have to write about the Weekend Of The Dogs. (They're still here. X supposed to pick them up around 11 tonight. J telling me I"m crazy that he won't pick them up. Me telling J that if X does not pick them up tonight X will no longer have a life worth living.)

You know... they are very good dogs. Very smart. Very sweet. Great with kids (and you should see what my kids have been doing to them!) but... they are TWO PUPPIES! What?!?! Was I crazy?!?!? (And to answer the question as to "Why I did this...?" I did it - for the kids who love them, for me who loves dogs [no longer!], and for the concept.... all of us here...w/the dogs... won't it be fun? What a fun adventure! Next time - remind me about this.)

They jumped over the gate (had them gated in the kitchen when we went out. X said they do this all the time. He didn't tell me they could jump the gate. Max told me later "Oh, they do that all the time." They chewed a hole into new comforter. Pulled out stuffing. (And Hooray! X will give me money for new one!! I liked the comforter/bedding set - bday/chanukah present from my parents -- but it had to be DRY CLEANED each time it got dirty. Who gets a dry clean only comforter for a parent w/two young kids?!? So, now I can get a new one! (Insert smug grin.)

And, the absolute best part was waking every morning to a kitchen filled with pooh and pee... because being walked three times a day was not enough for these little crap machines...

Bah! I'll post photos and write about some of the good stuff too. Promise.

Confronting Syphilis, Quite Candidly - New York Times

Yeah. She's a friend of mine. :)

Confronting Syphilis, Quite Candidly - New York Times

What. A. Mistake.

Right. so. X asked me to take his two dogs, Bill and Mickey, for Labor Day Weekend. Now, where I come from, Labor day weekend is Friday to Monday. Right? Yeah, well - x's trip start's tomorrow morning, so the dogs came over tonight. X forgot to tell me. Sprung it on me a week or two ago. "Oh yeah, not bringing the dogs over on Friday - bringing them on Wednesday."

Some might wonder (as I do) why I took them. I took them because my boys lovelovelove these dogs. They talk about them all the time, they love to go to X's to see them (oh, and X too...). The dogs actually belong to X's girlfriend & I told X that if they ever split up the boys need to have visitation with the dogs. They would he heartbroken if they never saw them again.

Have I mentioned that this is a pet free building?

And no, I don't know why the formatting is like this. I've given up with blogger and photos.

ANYHOW.

Mickey is about 8 months old, and Bill about a year. They're puppies. They have boundless energy. It's like having two more kids here. Now I'm sure you read in my previous post how sometimes it gets to be a bit much to be a single parent with two boys. Ok. Now two boys and two puppies.

These dogs are running all over the place, jumping on the furniture (X allows it at his place...) attack me with nips and licks every time I sit down... and I'm really a dog lover, but this is all so overwhelming to me. Especially after a full day of work. I pay attention to one dog? The other comes running over.

They've peed in my kitchen, wouldn't let the kids fall asleep... and? The X said "oh, don't worry - they'll fall asleep in your bed." WHAT?!?! He never told me that before (and I happen to know, when we were married X always said that he would never allow a dog to sleep in his bed.... hmmmmm) So, tonight I'll have the two dogs, at some point during the night the two kids will wander in... and tomorrow? J.

Yes, J, his dog, and his daughter are coming too. For the weekend. We're gonna bbq on the balcony. I told X I'd do it if J would come, that way I wouldn't be outnumbered. But that was before I knew I'd have the dogs during the week, too.

Labor Day Weekend House guest Tally: Three dogs, two children, one college student and two grown ups.

And for good measure...

My new sitter just quit. Actually, can somebody quit before they even start? I sent her an email asking about sick/vacation days & she emailed back that she and her husband are starting fertility treatments... and she's very sorry...

And I know she is. Sorry. BUT NOT AS SORRY AS I AM!!!!

SHIT.

So, I contacted my second choice to see if she could send me some references... of course I interviewed her over two weeks ago - so she might be working somewhere else already...

If not.. maybe I'll go with the high school girl? I don't know. Is 16 too young? It's only four hours a day....

And... if I could continue in the frame of mind I was in before (previous post) how unfair is it that I have to deal with all this shit. X gets the kids four days a month. That's it. He deals with none of the stresses, doesn't worry about missing work, doesn't get woken up 3 times a night...

Ack. Sorry. Very obviously in one of those "Feeling Sorry for Self" moods... and like I said (previous post) sometimes it just hits. Most of the time I'm just used to it. And honestly... it wasn't much better when he was here...but

This sitter thing just f-ing sucks.



(And kia ora to my Kiwi reader!)

I'm in a BAD Mood

You know how sometimes it's the little things that set you off? Yeah. It's like that. I called one of the class mothers from Nathan's old school. I had purchased a DVD of his graduation ceremony & realized I never received it.

She's like "Well, I'm right on 108th Street, I have a doorman, you can come by anytime and pick it up."

When I asked if she could mail it she was like "No. Not going to the post office." Which is entirely reasonable. Really. (Especially if you know the hell that is the Forest Hills Post Office.)

But.

That just totally set me off. The thing is.... there is NO TIME I can ever get over there! I swear! During the week I have to come rightbacktomyhome rightaway rightfromthesubway donotpassgo donotcollect100dollars. And once home? With the kids? Can't really go out again. I don't have a car (don't really need one here...) so for us to go anywhere we have to walk, bus or subway. Trapped. I'm trapped.

And on weekends, in Manhattan with J from Friday post work on - or doing things with just me & kids. So if we do it then we ALL have to walk over to this woman's house.

And it's so silly. It's such a little thing. But sometimes it's the little things... (Said that already? Yeah. I know.)

And I say to her: "But, I'm a single mom, I work all day, I have the two little kids at home, I don't have a car... It's nearly impossible for me to get over there." And she says "Well, I'm at home with my kids all day long, and it's difficult, and I can't do it." But... ummmm? What do you do when the kids are in school? Couldntcha do me a favor?

Then I feel like a loser, using the single mom thing... but it's the truth! If there was another adult here I could stop off on my way home. I could run over (or the other adult could.... telling me to sit on the couch eating bon bons while they go out to fetch whatever it is I desire....) but it could be done. And am I wrong using that card? The "Single Mom" card? Maybe. Maybe I'm jealous that she has that other pair of hands... maybe I'm wrong in assuming that things are easier for her - just by virtue of that. I probably am.

Ack. So, maybe I'm a wee bit hormonal... but sometimes it just feels like everything is such a frigging EFFORT. And I get used to it - but then something minor like this comes up & it's just so frustrating....

And

Well.

Just: Ugh.

Apropos of Absolutely Nothing.

Did a lot of walking this weekend (went to South street Seaport for drinks, Francisco's for lobster, Friday - Shakespeare in the Park Saturday, and Practice day at the US Open today. Yep. That's me. Taking full advantage of everything NYC has to offer. One of the little spoken about benefits of divorce... the weekend without the kids...)

But anyhow.

Did a lot of walking, and as I was walking I said to J: "Ever noticed that some flip flops make noise and some don't?" And you know what? He honestly never noticed that! Imagine! So I asked a follow-up: "Well, I've noticed it - because these shoes that I'm wearing now are making a loud 'slap, slap' sound when I walk, and some don't. I wonder why that is. Do you ever wonder why that is?" And imagine once again my surprise when he told me that "no" he has never wondered that!! Can you believe it?!? How can I be going out with somebody who doesn't constantly ponder the mysteries of the universe?!?!

So yeah. I'm wondering. Really. Why do some make that "slap, slap" noise when you walk and some allow you tread as silently as a cat....? I'm thinking it has something to do with the position of the toe thingy (you know, between the first & second toes), or perhaps the positioning of the straps.

Perhaps I should consult a physicist? You know, somebody who could work out how where the tension is placed on the foot relates to the amount of noise created by the bottom of the foot and the top of the shoe.

Anyone?


ETA: Lest you think I am very cavalier about weekends without children - let me hasten to remind you that I spend 26 out of a 30 days month with my children. Just me. Single parent. The X has them 4 (and let's not go to the place where I start talking about why he sees his children so infrequently... and how they feel about that. Let's just NOT go there.). So.... yes - I relish and enjoy those moments when I can sleep late, not have to wipe a tush, cut up a chicken nugget... whatever.

No Human Rights In "Kid Nation" - August 23, 2007

No Human Rights In "Kid Nation" - August 23, 2007

Trying, trying trying to be non-judgemental here... I'm sure there's some reason somewhere why parents would 1) allow their children to be a part of this show and 2) sign the waiver giving CBS the responsibility for even picking out medical care for their children! Consent for surgery!

I'm sure somewhere there's some reason.

Right?

Somebody please tell me what it is.... because this absolutely and totally boggles my mind.